Christmas Markets Corruption: Anglo-German Relations Strained After GMP Finger Merkel

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In a corruption scandal to equal FIFA, police swooped on five high-ranking officials of Manchester’s Market Planning Committee (MPC). The raids followed leaked documents detailing how bribes helped keep the Christmas markets German for the last eight years.

Knowsley Queef QC explained: “Any country is invited to tender for the markets but they bestow it year after year upon Germany. Suspicion has been growing about the MPC and with the help of leaked documents we now have a clear picture of how this occurred.”

But it isn’t just the MPC under the spotlight, police are keen to talk to Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, a key player in Germany’s tender for the markets. “We believe Frau Merkel plays a large part in the corruption case,” said the head of Manchester’s fraud squad, Hilary Goochsweat. “We will hope she will help answer questions.”

Merkel flew into Manchester four times over the last eight years to plead the case for Germany’s hosting rights. Documents suggested Merkel held what she referred to as Auntie Angela’s Euro Party where MPC employees were entertained in the penthouse suite of the Beetham Tower.

“…firing bundles of fifty Euro notes at our arses…”

An anonymous MPC insider said: “We’d be very drunk in our underwear and chased by Merkel who was armed with a t-shirt cannon firing bundles of 50 Euro notes at our arses whilst she screamed: ‘Give us the markets’.”

Were there any repercussions if votes looked to be edging toward another country?

“My co-worker Hank Fingersniff lobbied for Kazakhstan and he was getting a lot of votes,” our insider told us. “Days later he was found hanged from his own testicles on the top level of Shudehill car cark.” In 2013 Police declared accidental death blaming the growing rise of outdoor sex games; our insider believes otherwise.

So just how far does Merkel’s reach stretch? The leaked documents tell that she paid for a redesigning of the town hall Father Christmas in exchange for votes. She also financed the disastrous Manchester based detective show Kochslammer about an alcoholic, right wing German policeman and his Mancunian, cross dressing Jewish partner. Merkel was also unsuccessful in attempting to get the motorway speed limit eradicated.

The question now is the future of the markets? Goochsweat had this to say: “After all that has come to light over the last week I find it very difficult to believe Manchester’s markets will ever be German again.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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Police Refuse To Police Police Street

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They once knew it as a quiet side street offering a shortcut between Kings St and St. Ann St; but Greater Manchester Police (GMP) released a statement this week explaining that because of high levels of crime, they would no longer patrol Police St.

GMP said in the last half of 2015 there had been a 35% increase in violent behaviour while anti-social behaviour soared up 70%. When pressed on the cause, GMP singled out Waterstones. DI John Sprinkle said: “People assume because it’s a bookshop that customers are mild-mannered but that isn’t the case.” He pointed out the stores miss-management of caffeine from its Cafe W as the problem.
“They get into arguments,” he said. “It starts as a debate and then voices rise, before you know it they’ve stepped outside to settle differences. It’s the pub mentality and they think because they’re using the back entrance nobody sees them.”
Waterstones has two entrances/exits in the Deansgate store.

The front is accessible on Deansgate; but the back entrance is situated on Police St and businesses operating in and around the area are concerned. Eyewitness accounts of the goings on liken Police St to scenes of 1980s football hooliganism with fighting, chanting, graffiti and even criminal damage of property.

“Bill Bryson’s new book signing was madness. Somebody slapped a police horse…”

So, is this so called lit-violence tarnishing what residents would call the nicer half of the city? The CEO of Waterstones, Shilpa Calhoon, explained: “They have blown the figures out of proportion. The store has seen a tiny amount of unruly behaviour but to ease a police presence in the area, we see it as an overreaction.”

Pressed on the matter of fight club style meet ups at the store or book rucks as they are referred to: “Absolutely not. Waterstones offers a unique experience of book buying coupled with the cafe lifestyle. Our customers are law-abiding citizens they’re hardly the mafia.”

DI Sprinkle sees it differently: “I’ve been there on the front line. Bill Bryson’s new book signing was madness. Somebody slapped a police horse with a hard-back edition. Who does that?”

Online retailers are reaping the rewards of the store’s unnecessary media coverage and public safety concerns. They boasted a growth in sales from Manchester areas as shoppers look to safer options.

DI Sprinkle added: “Who wants to risk a shanking over Jamie Oliver’s new cookbook when you can buy it online from the safety of your own home.”

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com