Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain, which has more than eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians in particular have been queuing for hours in the hope of stockpiling some of its most popular chicken dishes. Police were called to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out after the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. Others in the Oxford Road area were arrested after aggressively selling their reward cards before the 12 midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

Ebay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs began appearing on the site. They were even forced to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people began selling peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It simply cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too big and powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s basically blackmail and the fact that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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