G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. The attack is believed to be linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorized by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon,  Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are currently studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for nearly twenty years and is regularly sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

A half-finished balloon animal was found near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is reportedly his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene using the clown’s unicycle as a getaway vehicle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel constantly sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man, a really nice guy. He was beaten up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone would be able to see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, which is a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some reportedly famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the general public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“Obviously no self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and therefore do not need beating up.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

themanchesterinsider

image

Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. The attack is believed to be linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorized by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon,  Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are currently studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for nearly twenty years and is regularly sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

A half-finished balloon animal was found near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is reportedly his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s…

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G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

image

Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. The attack is believed to be linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorized by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon,  Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are currently studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for nearly twenty years and is regularly sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

A half-finished balloon animal was found near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is reportedly his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene using the clown’s unicycle as a getaway vehicle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel constantly sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man, a really nice guy. He was beaten up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone would be able to see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, which is a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some reportedly famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the general public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“Obviously no self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and therefore do not need beating up.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

Donald Trump Proposes Demolition Of Canal Street To Build US Embassy If Elected

U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.

Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump is successful in wining the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December with a view to having the embassy built before May 2017.”

The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, especially with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would definitely be taking place.

Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”

Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Plans have been submitted to us proposing the construction of a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”

“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”

Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed permanently on the canal opposite.

Florence Bonerattler, writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”

But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.

Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”

So what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?

“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Boy Playing Pokémon Go Is Eaten By Meerkats At Zoo

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A zoo close to Manchester was closed today after a boy was eaten by a gang of meerkats. The ten year-old was visiting the zoo with his family and is believed to have been playing the popular Pokémon Go game when the accident occurred.

DCI Barnaby Wankcoil of GMP said: “At ten o’clock this morning a nine year-old boy was playing a game on his mobile phone which caused him to enter the meerkat enclosure where he was subsequently eaten by the animals.”

Gary Helmet, who was visiting with his children, saw what happened: “I saw him climbing the fence and someone told him to stop. He shouted that he had to catch Pikachu and he wondered into the middle of the enclosure. The meerkats acted like piranhas; they went wild and ate him.”

“The TV adverts are lies,” says Dr Lexford Bumpoke, meerkat expert and trapper. “They are natural hunters. They are carnivores and have sublime predatory instincts. They think and act like sharks.”

…kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours…

The accident follows from another zoo in Wyoming, USA where a seven year-old girl reached through the bars of a peacock enclosure with her mobile phone to try and capture a Pokémon only to have her hand bitten off.

But what exactly is Pokémon Go?

“It’s an interactive game on your mobile phone,” explained Flo Spunkseed, of gaming magazine CtrlAltDelete. “The player uses real world locations to capture computer Pokémon’s to train and fight against others, kind of like computer slavery.”

This morning’s incident at the zoo has forced Manchester Council to publicly warn players of the game about the dangers. “We understand its popularity,” said spokeswoman Francesca Wildcunt. “What we need to do is make players young and old aware that taking it too seriously is posing a danger to yourselves and others around you.”

Pokémon Go has been blamed all over the world for accidents and even relationship breakups but it seems even adult players in Manchester are going too far. Three city centre insurance workers were arrested having kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours for the locations of three Pokémon’s; and a North Manchester Hospital surgeon was suspended after refusing to operate on a critically ill patient until she’d found a Pokémon located on hospital grounds.

 The photo used is the property of: http://www.bbc.co.uk

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

New Spinningfields S&M Themed Restaurant Is Whipping Up A Frenzy

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Thought to be Britain’s first S&M themed restaurant and Manchester’s best kept secret; Gag Ball opened its doors last night and left un-expecting, straight laced diners slightly red faced. But despite embarrassing the sort of Mancunians who like their eateries plain and simple, it received rave reviews not just from customers but also critics.

Clarence Skincheese, of dining magazine Greasetrap, wrote: “It is an experience to have your meat slapped at the table before it’s fed to you. Not a lot of diners would like to be handcuffed to their chairs and fed by a third party, but I loved every minute of it.”

Juice Farthound, reviewer for Fork It dining website, wrote: “Whilst ordering food proved problematic, as the waiter was clad entirely in PVC and spoke only through a zip; when my sautéed ducks arsehole arrived, it was an absolute delight.”

But who is behind Gag Ball?

Self-made millionaire Laura Turdlance, CEO and owner of Bitchfit, the Manchester based chain of female only gyms.

“I like to shock,” said Turdlance, earlier today. “Spinningfields has its fair share of upmarket bars and TV chef backed restaurants. We just wanted to go further and better. You know, spank some life into the area.”

“We just wanted to, you know, spank some life into the area.”

Joseph Rapescream, who’d taken his girlfriend as a surprise, said: “It was amazing. The food was excellent and the staff were really friendly. Even the décor, which I thought I’d have trouble adjusting too, wasn’t too in your face. The chairs were especially comfortable considering they were fashioned from barbed wire.”

Turdlance was quick to stress that while Gag Ball was an S&M restaurant, which keeps to its theme so closely the menus are etched on spank paddles, there was a strict dress code. “We want to attract the same clientele as the competition around Spinningfields, we are not allowing any leather or PVC.”

Unfortunately some people didn’t quite understand which led to police being called after reports a leather clad woman was seen leading a leashed man crawling on all fours through Deansgate.

As well as having already been awarded the highest hygiene certificate coupled with a waiting list for a table running into months; it seems there is no shortage of people hungry to eat chickens nipples whilst suspended from the ceiling in sex swings. Even celebrities like Mary Berry and Ant & Dec have expressed their desire to visit.

www.gagball.com for reservations.

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain, which has more than eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians in particular have been queuing for hours in the hope of stockpiling some of its most popular chicken dishes. Police were called to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out after the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. Others in the Oxford Road area were arrested after aggressively selling their reward cards before the 12 midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

Ebay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs began appearing on the site. They were even forced to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people began selling peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It simply cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too big and powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s basically blackmail and the fact that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com