Donald Trump Proposes Demolition Of Canal Street To Build US Embassy If Elected

U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.

Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump is successful in wining the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December with a view to having the embassy built before May 2017.”

The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, especially with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would definitely be taking place.

Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”

Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Plans have been submitted to us proposing the construction of a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”

“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”

Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed permanently on the canal opposite.

Florence Bonerattler, writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”

But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.

Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”

So what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?

“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”

 

 

 

 Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

Boy Playing Pokémon Go Is Eaten By Meerkats At Zoo

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A zoo close to Manchester was closed today after a boy was eaten by a gang of meerkats. The ten year-old was visiting the zoo with his family and is believed to have been playing the popular Pokémon Go game when the accident occurred.

DCI Barnaby Wankcoil of GMP said: “At ten o’clock this morning a nine year-old boy was playing a game on his mobile phone which caused him to enter the meerkat enclosure where he was subsequently eaten by the animals.”

Gary Helmet, who was visiting with his children, saw what happened: “I saw him climbing the fence and someone told him to stop. He shouted that he had to catch Pikachu and he wondered into the middle of the enclosure. The meerkats acted like piranhas; they went wild and ate him.”

“The TV adverts are lies,” says Dr Lexford Bumpoke, meerkat expert and trapper. “They are natural hunters. They are carnivores and have sublime predatory instincts. They think and act like sharks.”

…kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours…

The accident follows from another zoo in Wyoming, USA where a seven year-old girl reached through the bars of a peacock enclosure with her mobile phone to try and capture a Pokémon only to have her hand bitten off.

But what exactly is Pokémon Go?

“It’s an interactive game on your mobile phone,” explained Flo Spunkseed, of gaming magazine CtrlAltDelete. “The player uses real world locations to capture computer Pokémon’s to train and fight against others, kind of like computer slavery.”

This morning’s incident at the zoo has forced Manchester Council to publicly warn players of the game about the dangers. “We understand its popularity,” said spokeswoman Francesca Wildcunt. “What we need to do is make players young and old aware that taking it too seriously is posing a danger to yourselves and others around you.”

Pokémon Go has been blamed all over the world for accidents and even relationship breakups but it seems even adult players in Manchester are going too far. Three city centre insurance workers were arrested having kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours for the locations of three Pokémon’s; and a North Manchester Hospital surgeon was suspended after refusing to operate on a critically ill patient until she’d found a Pokémon located on hospital grounds.

 

 

 

The photo used is the property of: http://www.bbc.co.uk

New Spinningfields S&M Themed Restaurant Is Whipping Up A Frenzy

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Thought to be Britain’s first S&M themed restaurant and Manchester’s best kept secret; Gag Ball opened its doors last night and left un-expecting, straight laced diners slightly red faced. But despite embarrassing the sort of Mancunians who like their eateries plain and simple, it received rave reviews not just from customers but also critics.

Clarence Skincheese, of dining magazine Greasetrap, wrote: “It is an experience to have your meat slapped at the table before it’s fed to you. Not a lot of diners would like to be handcuffed to their chairs and fed by a third party, but I loved every minute of it.”

Juice Farthound, reviewer for Fork It dining website, wrote: “Whilst ordering food proved problematic, as the waiter was clad entirely in PVC and spoke only through a zip; when my sautéed ducks arsehole arrived, it was an absolute delight.”

But who is behind Gag Ball?

Self-made millionaire Laura Turdlance, CEO and owner of Bitchfit, the Manchester based chain of female only gyms.

“I like to shock,” said Turdlance, earlier today. “Spinningfields has its fair share of upmarket bars and TV chef backed restaurants. We just wanted to go further and better. You know, spank some life into the area.”

“We just wanted to, you know, spank some life into the area.”

Joseph Rapescream, who’d taken his girlfriend as a surprise, said: “It was amazing. The food was excellent and the staff were really friendly. Even the décor, which I thought I’d have trouble adjusting too, wasn’t too in your face. The chairs were especially comfortable considering they were fashioned from barbed wire.”

Turdlance was quick to stress that while Gag Ball was an S&M restaurant, which keeps to its theme so closely the menus are etched on spank paddles, there was a strict dress code. “We want to attract the same clientele as the competition around Spinningfields, we are not allowing any leather or PVC.”

Unfortunately some people didn’t quite understand which led to police being called after reports a leather clad woman was seen leading a leashed man crawling on all fours through Deansgate.

As well as having already been awarded the highest hygiene certificate coupled with a waiting list for a table running into months; it seems there is no shortage of people hungry to eat chickens nipples whilst suspended from the ceiling in sex swings. Even celebrities like Mary Berry and Ant & Dec have expressed their desire to visit.

 

www.gagball.com for reservations.

Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain, which has more than eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians in particular have been queuing for hours in the hope of stockpiling some of its most popular chicken dishes. Police were called to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out after the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. Others in the Oxford Road area were arrested after aggressively selling their reward cards before the 12 midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

Ebay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs began appearing on the site. They were even forced to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people began selling peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It simply cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too big and powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s basically blackmail and the fact that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

 

Jason Statham Begins Filming 1997 IRA Bomb Movie In Manchester

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The darkest day in Manchester’s recent history is getting the Hollywood treatment when action superstar Jason Statham began filming The Detonatorist in the city centre on Monday.

According to Hollywood industry bible Variety Statham will play Blade Gunnage, a manc, ex-army tank driver turned maverick lone wolf fire fighter who, still distraught over a life he failed to save, finds himself caught up in the games of an IRA terrorist plotting to blow up the city.

“He’s a fire fighter first, a tank driver second and a hero third,” explained Fiona Slapentickle, the film’s producer. “When we first meet Gunnage he’s actually fighting fire with his bare hands.”

GM Fire & Rescue acknowledged Statham has been training with them in the city for the last month to prepare for his role. Having regularly joined them on 999 calls and also visited schools to caution against playing with matches.

Gravity star and Oscar winner Sandra Bullock is due in the city in the coming weeks to film her role as a Marks & Spencer employee helping Gunnage to halt the terrorist. “Sandra’s character is a no nonsense mother of five,” said Slapentickle. “She realises that her city is in danger and is having none of it. For the film she trained in hand to hand combat and how to operate a till.”

EastEnders star Danny Dyer sent Twitter into a meltdown last month after tweeting he was having Irish dialect coaching fuelling rumours he’ll join Statham on screen as the IRA bomber targeting the city.

“When we first meet Gunnage he’s actually fighting fire with fire.”

The Detonatorist will be directed by Omar Felch who shot to fame with the low budget LGBT horror The Mincer before helming the Oscar nominated Tipetty-Tap about a tap dancer who looses both his feet in a kite flying accident.

“What happened in 1997 is Manchester’s 9/11,” said Felch. “Hopefully our movie will stay true to that day but with an ever so slight creative licence to give an immersive action film.”

But not everyone is happy to see the city the focus of Hollywood. Owners of the Beetham Tower rejected a request to cloak the entire tower in blue cloth to aid its CGI removal from the skyline. Metrolink also refused to stop building works near the bombing sight forcing production to sound stages at the nearby Mediacityuk for certain scenes.

Manchester Council said permission had been granted for a Parkour chase across the town hall roof and a gun fight was also allowed in Piccadilly Gardens. Heavy traffic disruption was also advised in the coming weeks on Deansgate because of closures so a major chase scene between a tank and a helicopter could be filmed.

 

 

 

 

 

Photo credits:

Jason Statham: www.sociallitelife.com

Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

themanchesterinsider

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous…

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was hospital nurse Batty McFlange who in 2009 was arrested in the Arndale centre attempting to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-Under-Lyne needed a knee replacement urgently but because of NHS waiting times he was forced to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing to do the operation for a slight monetary fee.

Mr Areola said: “When I gave him the money he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits in the hope of buying organs from them. GMP are acknowledging that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after a drug addict was found in Piccadilly Gardens having sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Just be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver then we ask you please call us.”

 

 

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk