About The Manchester Insider

Blogging about the great city of Manchester. The blog is humorous and satirical. All names are fictional and all companies are written about with love and respect. It's all jest. Some photos are NOT MINE. The websites are credited. My indie-published Children's book Saving Christmas is available now www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479 Paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide. Also available on iBook, Kobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and on Smashwords.com

Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

Photo: http://www.wingsoverscotland.com I DO NOT own it

 

 

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World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

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World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after they issued court summons to parents about copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls… not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoigne of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “It concerns them that they will dress many children like creations these authors own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoigne added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT. Eyewitnesses said the boy tried to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

 

Photo property of http://www.worldbookday.com I DO NOT own it

 

 

G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. They believe the attack is linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorised by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon, Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for twenty years and is sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

They found a half-finished balloon animal near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene on the clown’s unicycle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and the first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man. They beat him up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone could see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“No self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and so do not need beating.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Donald Trump Proposes Demolition Of Canal Street To Build US Embassy If Elected

U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world-famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.

Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump succeeds in winning the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December to have the embassy built before May 2017.”

The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would take place.

Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”

Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Someone has submitted plans to us proposing to build a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”

“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”

Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two-gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed on the canal opposite.

Florence Bonerattler, a writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”

But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer ‘the Pusher’.

Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan, and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”

So, what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?

“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Boy Playing Pokémon Go Is Eaten By Meerkats At Zoo

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A zoo close to Manchester was closed today after a gang of meerkats ate a boy. The ten-year-old was visiting the zoo with his family and is believed to have been playing the popular Pokémon Go game when the accident occurred.

DCI Barnaby Wankcoil of GMP said: “At ten o’clock this morning a nine-year-old boy was playing a game on his mobile phone which caused him to enter the meerkat enclosure where he was later eaten by the animals.”

Gary Helmet, who was visiting with his children, saw what happened: “I saw him climbing the fence and someone told him to stop. He shouted that he had to catch Pikachu, and he wondered into the middle of the enclosure. The meerkats acted like piranhas; they went wild and ate him.”

“The TV adverts are lies,” says Dr Lexford Bumpoke, meerkat expert and trapper. “They are natural hunters and have sublime predatory instincts. They think and act like sharks.”

…kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours…

The accident follows from another zoo in Wyoming, USA where a seven-year-old girl reached through the bars of a peacock enclosure with her mobile phone to capture a Pokémon only to have her hand bitten off.

But what exactly is Pokémon Go?

“It’s an interactive game on your mobile phone,” explained Flo Spunkseed, of gaming magazine CtrlAltDelete. “The player uses real world locations to capture computer Pokémon’s training them to fight against others. A kind of computer slavery.”

This morning’s incident at the zoo has forced Manchester Council to warn players of the game about the dangers. “We understand its popularity,” said spokeswoman Francesca Wildcunt. “What we need to do is make players young and old aware that taking it too seriously is posing a danger to yourselves and others around you.”

They have blamed Pokémon Go all over the world for accidents and even relationship breakups, but it seems even adult players in Manchester are going too far. GMP arrested three city centre insurance workers who kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for the locations of three Pokémon’s; and North Manchester Hospital suspended a surgeon after refusing to operate on a patient until she’d found a Pokémon on hospital grounds.

 The photo used is the property of: http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

New Spinningfields S&M Themed Restaurant Is Whipping Up A Frenzy

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Thought to be Britain’s first S&M themed restaurant and Manchester’s best kept secret; Gag Ball opened its doors last night and left unexpecting, straight laced diner’s red faced. But despite embarrassing the Mancunians who like their eateries simple, it received rave reviews not just from customers but also critics.

Clarence Skincheese, of dining magazine Greasetrap, wrote: “It’s an experience to have your meat slapped at the table before it’s fed to you. Not a lot of diners would like to handcuffing to their chairs and fed by a third party, but I loved every minute.”

Juice Farthound, a reviewer for Fork It dining website, wrote: “Whilst ordering food proved problematic, as the waiter was clad in PVC and spoke only through a zip; when my sauteed ducks arsehole arrived, it was an absolute delight.”

But who’s behind Gag Ball?

Self-made millionaire Laura Turdlance, CEO and owner of Bitchfit, the Manchester based chain of female only gyms.

“I like to shock,” said Turdlance, earlier today. “Spinningfields has its fair share of upmarket bars and TV chef backed restaurants. We wanted to go further and better. You know, spank life into the area.”

“We just wanted to, you know, spank some life into the area.”

Joseph Rapescream, who’d taken his girlfriend as a surprise, said: “It was amazing. The food was excellent, and the staff were friendly. Even the décor which I thought I’d have trouble adjusting too, wasn’t too in your face. The chairs were especially comfortable considering they were fashioned from barbed wire.”

Turdlance was quick to stress that while Gag Ball was an S&M restaurant, which keeps to its theme so close (they etch the menus on spank paddles) there was a strict dress code. “We want to attract the same clientele as the competition around Spinningfields, we are not allowing any leather or PVC.”

Some people didn’t quite understand which led to police being called after reports someone saw a leather clad woman leading a leashed man crawling on all fours through Deansgate.

As well as having already been awarded the highest hygiene certificate coupled with a waiting list for a table running into months; it seems there‘s no shortage of people hungry to eat chickens’ nipples whilst suspended from the ceiling in sex swings. Even celebrities like Mary Berry and Ant & Dec have expressed their desire to visit.

www.gagball.com for reservations.

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain which has over eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians have been queuing for hours hoping to stockpile some of its most popular chicken dishes. Someone called police to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out when the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. They arrested others in the Oxford Road area after selling their reward cards before the 12-midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

eBay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs appeared on the site. It even forced them to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people sold peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out, then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast-food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s blackmail, and that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com