Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

Photo: http://www.wingsoverscotland.com I DO NOT own it

 

 

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World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

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World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after they issued court summons to parents about copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls… not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoigne of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “It concerns them that they will dress many children like creations these authors own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoigne added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT. Eyewitnesses said the boy tried to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

 

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G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. They believe the attack is linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorised by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon, Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for twenty years and is sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

They found a half-finished balloon animal near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene on the clown’s unicycle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and the first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man. They beat him up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone could see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“No self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and so do not need beating.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Donald Trump Proposes Demolition Of Canal Street To Build US Embassy If Elected

U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world-famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.

Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump succeeds in winning the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December to have the embassy built before May 2017.”

The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would take place.

Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”

Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Someone has submitted plans to us proposing to build a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”

“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”

Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two-gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed on the canal opposite.

Florence Bonerattler, a writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”

But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer ‘the Pusher’.

Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan, and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”

So, what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?

“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain which has over eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians have been queuing for hours hoping to stockpile some of its most popular chicken dishes. Someone called police to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out when the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. They arrested others in the Oxford Road area after selling their reward cards before the 12-midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

eBay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs appeared on the site. It even forced them to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people sold peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out, then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast-food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s blackmail, and that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

Jason Statham Begins Filming 1997 IRA Bomb Movie In Manchester

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The darkest day in Manchester’s recent history is getting the Hollywood treatment when action superstar Jason Statham filmed The Detonatorist in the city centre on Monday.

According to Hollywood industry bible Variety Statham will play Blade Gunnage, a mancunian ex-army tank driver turned maverick lone wolf fire fighter who, still distraught over a life he didn’t save, finds himself caught up in the games of an IRA terrorist plotting to blow up the city.

“He’s a firefighter first, a tank driver second and a hero third,” explained Fiona Slapentickle, the film’s producer. “When we first meet Gunnage he’s fighting fire with his bare hands.”

GM Fire & Rescue acknowledged Statham has been training with them in the city for the last month to prepare for his role. Having joined them on 999 calls and also visited schools to caution against playing with matches.

Gravity star and Oscar winner Sandra Bullock is due in the city in the coming weeks to film her role as a Marks & Spencer employee helping Gunnage to halt the terrorist. “Sandra’s character is a no-nonsense mother of five,” said Slapentickle. “She realises that her city is in danger and is having none of it. For the film she trained in hand to hand combat and how to use a till.”

EastEnders star Danny Dyer sent Twitter into a meltdown last month after tweeting he was having Irish dialect coaching fuelling rumours he’ll join Statham on screen as the IRA bomber targeting the city.

“When we first meet Gunnage he’s actually fighting fire with fire.”

Omar Felch, who shot to fame with the low budget LGBT horror The Mincer before helming Oscar nominated Tipetty-Tap about a tap dancer who loses both his feet in a kite flying accident, will direct The Detonatorist

“What happened in 1997 is Manchester’s 9/11,” said Felch. “Hopefully our movie will stay true to that day but with an ever so slight creative licence to give an immersive action film.”

But not everyone is happy to see the city the focus of Hollywood. Owners of the Beetham Tower rejected a request to cloak the entire tower in blue cloth to aid its CGI removal from the skyline. Metrolink also refused to stop building works near the bombing sight forcing production to sound stages at the nearby Mediacityuk for certain scenes.

Manchester Council said they had granted permission for a Parkour chase across the town hall roof and allowed a gun fight in Piccadilly Gardens. Heavy traffic disruption was also advised in the coming weeks on Deansgate because of closures so they could film a major chase scene between a tank and a helicopter.

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst trying to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “I have told The intended recipient of the organ about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, an investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was the hospital nurse Batty McFlange arrested in 2009 in the Arndale centre trying to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back-street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients’ mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-under-Lyne needed an urgent knee replacement but NHS waiting times forced him to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing operate for money.

Mr Areola said: “When I paid he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in an abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was from a cow and attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits hoping to buy organs from them. GMP acknowledge that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after they found a drug addict sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver, then we ask you please call us.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com