U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world-famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.
Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump succeeds in winning the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December to have the embassy built before May 2017.”
The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would take place.
Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”
Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Someone has submitted plans to us proposing to build a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”
“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”
Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two-gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed on the canal opposite.
Florence Bonerattler, a writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”
But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer ‘the Pusher’.
Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan, and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”
So, what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?
“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”
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