Soiled Toilet Roll and Nappies Used In Criminal Mask Production GMP Warn

Photo by Tai’s Capture http://www.unsplash.com

 A leading health expert has warned the public that 90% of masks are being manufactured from used toilet paper, dirty underwear, and nappies.

Dr Git Pipesuckler of told us: “Due to the demands of enforced wearing, illegal mask manufacturers are turning to second-hand materials to cut costs and drive up profits.”

The news came after Greater Manchester Police raided a warehouse in the city centre to find thousands of boxes of masks ready to ship to department stores and shops alongside barrels of damp, used toilet paper.


DCI Honey Dickbolt explained: “These criminals “shit-sift”, they cut into soil pipes and install filters which collect the dirty toilet roll. They put the paper through a drying out process and then turn it into masks. It’s the same with nappies.”


“The technology used to absorb urine can also filter the virus,” confirmed Dr Pipesuckler. “Black marketeers know this, so they steal used nappies from bins. Considerably less risk than shoplifting new nappies.”

“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,”


There were reports of gangs scouring popular fly tipping sites for materials and even offering money for bags of used goods in return for a cut in profits. However, legitimate mask manufacturers like Manchester’s own Face Sitters called the practice abhorrent and demanded tougher action on the criminals.


GMP said figures for “shit-sifting” were unavailable because of the originality of the crime, but thefts from bins were up 300% in the week leading up to enforced mask wearing.


“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,” said wildlife expert Gummy Fondler, who worked with GMP to help ensnare criminals. “But we found our fox cameras were recording thieves stealing dirty nappies instead.”


Greater Manchester Transport asked commuters to check their masks for any signs of danger, such as underwear labels still attached or skid marks from previous owners of the materials.

“Even though criminals hide any lingering bodily odours from the masks, long term inhalation of bum mud particles can be hazardous,” warned Liz Gloryhole, GMT spokeswoman. “We’ve seen city centre workers feeling nauseous, experience Spice-like effects, and one train passenger found himself in a waking sexual nightmare.”


“Even though it’s now law to wear a mask,” added DCI Dickbolt. “We’re asking the public to be vigilant about where they’re buying them from for their own safety.”   

 

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Manchester City Centre Enforces Rectal Thermometry On Public To Combat Virus

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Photo: DarkoStojanovic @ pixabay.com

The Mancunian public, especially those in the city centre, were warned by council officials that from Tuesday, on the spot rectal thermometry will be enforced. Powers will give specialist virologists, helped by GM police, to stop any member of the public and insert a thermometer up their back passage.

“It’s the only scientific way of detecting the virus,” said Dr Granville Wankshaft, chief virologist at St Sharts hospital. “The body heats teeth to enable biting through food. This obscures oral thermometry readings. We need access to every anus in Manchester to halt the growing number of infected people.”

The drastic action comes after police found a woman in Wilkinsons displaying symptoms of the virus and closed the entire Arndale Centre for two weeks to isolate her. Public protests ensued after the woman, surviving only on Millies Cookies, became a tourist attraction.

Last week the Government rushed through the law that operates similar to the police’s current stop and search powers. What makes this different is they can choose anyone regardless of age, gender, or ethnicity.

“The virus doesn’t differentiate between victims,” said Wankshaft. “And neither must we. Every anus is a porthole to whether or not someone is infected.”

…a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

But critics of the new detection system have voiced their concerns. Jizzy Funbags, of the Manchester Residents Association said: “You cannot ask members of the public to drop their underwear, just so a doctor can stick a thermometer up their arse. Especially not first thing in the morning.”

GMP confirmed the council granted permission to carry tents around the city centre so they can privately conduct testing. The tents exact locations are secretive to stop the public avoiding them. But rumours spread they would be disguised.

Primark took to social media to assure everyone they weren’t a secret testing facility disguised as a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

Libby Shitehawk, director of transport for Manchester also assured people that free buses which operate in the city were not secret testing labs, either. “We’ve had several willing people board our buses trouser-less, or with their underwear round their ankles. In extreme cases thermometers already lodged up their bums.”

But the mood in Manchester is one of mistrust. Eyewitnesses claim virologists disguised as Spice dealers try to lure the homeless to be tested and small pubs and side street businesses have suffered as customers are now suspicious any doorway they enter could lead to a thermometer entering theirs.

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Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

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Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

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World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

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Photo by World Book Day

World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after they issued court summons to parents about copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls… not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoigne of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “It concerns them that they will dress many children like creations these authors own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoigne added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT. Eyewitnesses said the boy tried to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

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Donald Trump Proposes Demolition Of Canal Street To Build US Embassy If Elected

Photo by BBC

U.S Presidential candidate Donald Trump was in the centre of a storm after leaked documents showed the Republican has earmarked Manchester’s world-famous Canal Street as the new site for a new US embassy.

Head of the American Buildings Advisory Commission, Winchester Picklenob said: “If Mr Trump succeeds in winning the election in November then we would file permission to demolish Canal Street as early as December to have the embassy built before May 2017.”

The news has generated a lot of anger across the city, with Manchester Pride this bank holiday weekend. Popular gay Yorkshire folk band The Pink Hotpots who are headlining Pride on Saturday assured people that demonstrations would take place.

Lead singer Chuff Fistweasel said: “We have to fight Trump, this cannot happen in Manchester. We’ll be handing out flyers and signing petitions to make sure this demolition doesn’t happen.”

Gulliver Goochflounder, head Manchester’s planning committee told us: “Someone has submitted plans to us proposing to build a twelve storey, glazed dodecahedron on Canal Street. We have opened talks with Mr Trump who has showed us his love of our city and I don’t see what the problem is.”

“…such firepower…could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer the Pusher.”

Those who have seen the plans to the secretive building expressed shock at the strict security regulations including two-gun turrets on the roof and a submarine armed with nuclear warheads stationed on the canal opposite.

Florence Bonerattler, a writer for canal magazine Gusher said: “Manchester canals are for narrow boats and geese not nuclear warheads.”

But GMP and various charities across Manchester were quick to point out that such firepower on the waterways could act as a deterrent against the city’s serial killer ‘the Pusher’.

Trump’s aides believe the future of Britain lies with Manchester and not London where the current Embassy is based. Mr Picklenob said: “The capital power is shifting up north away from the sunshine and overpriced beer. Mr Trump is a huge soccer fan, and he feels Manchester is the city of today.”

So, what would become of the bars and clubs and Manchester Pride?

“The simplest solution would be to move Manchester Pride to another city for one weekend in August,” said Mr Goochflounder. “As for the bars and clubs we would look to maybe starting a Southern Quarter area of the city just west of the Northern Quarter.”

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Boy Playing Pokémon Go Is Eaten By Meerkats At Zoo

Photo by Pexals @ Pixabay

A zoo close to Manchester was closed today after a gang of meerkats ate a boy. The ten-year-old was visiting the zoo with his family and is believed to have been playing the popular Pokémon Go game when the accident occurred.

DCI Barnaby Wankcoil of GMP said: “At ten o’clock this morning a nine-year-old boy was playing a game on his mobile phone which caused him to enter the meerkat enclosure where he was later eaten by the animals.”

Gary Helmet, who was visiting with his children, saw what happened: “I saw him climbing the fence and someone told him to stop. He shouted that he had to catch Pikachu, and he wondered into the middle of the enclosure. The meerkats acted like piranhas; they went wild and ate him.”

“The TV adverts are lies,” says Dr Lexford Bumpoke, meerkat expert and trapper. “They are natural hunters and have sublime predatory instincts. They think and act like sharks.”

…kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours…

The accident follows from another zoo in Wyoming, USA where a seven-year-old girl reached through the bars of a peacock enclosure with her mobile phone to capture a Pokémon only to have her hand bitten off.

But what exactly is Pokémon Go?

“It’s an interactive game on your mobile phone,” explained Flo Spunkseed, of gaming magazine CtrlAltDelete. “The player uses real world locations to capture computer Pokémon’s training them to fight against others. A kind of computer slavery.”

This morning’s incident at the zoo has forced Manchester Council to warn players of the game about the dangers. “We understand its popularity,” said spokeswoman Francesca Wildcunt. “What we need to do is make players young and old aware that taking it too seriously is posing a danger to yourselves and others around you.”

They have blamed Pokémon Go all over the world for accidents and even relationship breakups, but it seems even adult players in Manchester are going too far. GMP arrested three city centre insurance workers who kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for the locations of three Pokémon’s; and North Manchester Hospital suspended a surgeon after refusing to operate on a patient until she’d found a Pokémon on hospital grounds.

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New Spinningfields S&M Themed Restaurant Is Whipping Up A Frenzy

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Photo by C. Hewitt

Thought to be Britain’s first S&M themed restaurant and Manchester’s best kept secret; Gag Ball opened its doors last night and left unexpecting, straight laced diner’s red faced. But despite embarrassing the Mancunians who like their eateries simple, it received rave reviews not just from customers but also critics.

Clarence Skincheese, of dining magazine Greasetrap, wrote: “It’s an experience to have your meat slapped at the table before it’s fed to you. Not a lot of diners would like to handcuffing to their chairs and fed by a third party, but I loved every minute.”

Juice Farthound, a reviewer for Fork It dining website, wrote: “Whilst ordering food proved problematic, as the waiter was clad in PVC and spoke only through a zip; when my sauteed ducks arsehole arrived, it was an absolute delight.”

But who’s behind Gag Ball?

Self-made millionaire Laura Turdlance, CEO and owner of Bitchfit, the Manchester based chain of female only gyms.

“I like to shock,” said Turdlance, earlier today. “Spinningfields has its fair share of upmarket bars and TV chef backed restaurants. We wanted to go further and better. You know, spank life into the area.”

“We just wanted to, you know, spank some life into the area.”

Joseph Rapescream, who’d taken his girlfriend as a surprise, said: “It was amazing. The food was excellent, and the staff were friendly. Even the décor which I thought I’d have trouble adjusting too, wasn’t too in your face. The chairs were especially comfortable considering they were fashioned from barbed wire.”

Turdlance was quick to stress that while Gag Ball was an S&M restaurant, which keeps to its theme so close (they etch the menus on spank paddles) there was a strict dress code. “We want to attract the same clientele as the competition around Spinningfields, we are not allowing any leather or PVC.”

Some people didn’t quite understand which led to police being called after reports someone saw a leather clad woman leading a leashed man crawling on all fours through Deansgate.

As well as having already been awarded the highest hygiene certificate coupled with a waiting list for a table running into months; it seems there‘s no shortage of people hungry to eat chickens’ nipples whilst suspended from the ceiling in sex swings. Even celebrities like Mary Berry and Ant & Dec have expressed their desire to visit.

www.gagball.com for reservations.

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Jason Statham Begins Filming 1997 IRA Bomb Movie In Manchester

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The darkest day in Manchester’s recent history is getting the Hollywood treatment when action superstar Jason Statham filmed The Detonatorist in the city centre on Monday.

According to Hollywood industry bible Variety Statham will play Blade Gunnage, a mancunian ex-army tank driver turned maverick lone wolf fire fighter who, still distraught over a life he didn’t save, finds himself caught up in the games of an IRA terrorist plotting to blow up the city.

“He’s a firefighter first, a tank driver second and a hero third,” explained Fiona Slapentickle, the film’s producer. “When we first meet Gunnage he’s fighting fire with his bare hands.”

GM Fire & Rescue acknowledged Statham has been training with them in the city for the last month to prepare for his role. Having joined them on 999 calls and also visited schools to caution against playing with matches.

Gravity star and Oscar winner Sandra Bullock is due in the city in the coming weeks to film her role as a Marks & Spencer employee helping Gunnage to halt the terrorist. “Sandra’s character is a no-nonsense mother of five,” said Slapentickle. “She realises that her city is in danger and is having none of it. For the film she trained in hand to hand combat and how to use a till.”

EastEnders star Danny Dyer sent Twitter into a meltdown last month after tweeting he was having Irish dialect coaching fuelling rumours he’ll join Statham on screen as the IRA bomber targeting the city.

“When we first meet Gunnage he’s actually fighting fire with fire.”

Omar Felch, who shot to fame with the low budget LGBT horror The Mincer before helming Oscar nominated Tipetty-Tap about a tap dancer who loses both his feet in a kite flying accident, will direct The Detonatorist

“What happened in 1997 is Manchester’s 9/11,” said Felch. “Hopefully our movie will stay true to that day but with an ever so slight creative licence to give an immersive action film.”

But not everyone is happy to see the city the focus of Hollywood. Owners of the Beetham Tower rejected a request to cloak the entire tower in blue cloth to aid its CGI removal from the skyline. Metrolink also refused to stop building works near the bombing sight forcing production to sound stages at the nearby Mediacityuk for certain scenes.

Manchester Council said they had granted permission for a Parkour chase across the town hall roof and allowed a gun fight in Piccadilly Gardens. Heavy traffic disruption was also advised in the coming weeks on Deansgate because of closures so they could film a major chase scene between a tank and a helicopter.

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst trying to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “I have told The intended recipient of the organ about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, an investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was the hospital nurse Batty McFlange arrested in 2009 in the Arndale centre trying to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back-street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients’ mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-under-Lyne needed an urgent knee replacement but NHS waiting times forced him to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing operate for money.

Mr Areola said: “When I paid he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in an abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was from a cow and attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits hoping to buy organs from them. GMP acknowledge that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after they found a drug addict sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver, then we ask you please call us.”

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Disgraced Adam Johnson To Continue Playing Football Even If Convicted

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Ex- Premiership footballer Adam Johnson will arrive at Bradford Magistrate’s Court tomorrow morning to hear the Judge’s final comments on his case before the jury deliberate.

Over the weekend bookies slashed the odds-on Johnson getting ‘sent down’ but after sparking a huge amount of interest from prisons which have teams in the English Prison Football League (EPFL); the question on everybody’s lips is: which prison will he be sent to?

Philomena Todger, governor of HMP Wakefield, is delighted by the fact they may house Johnson within her walls.

“It’s great news,” she said. “We’re giddy with anticipation of a Premier League star playing for us. Hopefully, he’ll arrive before this season ends but if not; we’ll wait until August before the new season.”

But geography is playing an important part of where Johnson is sent. HMP’s Northumberland and Durham both believe they are in with a shout considering Johnson still played for Sunderland even whilst being investigated.

“…Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers…”

Clarke Piss-sparrow, manager of HMP Durham football club Durham Slashers, said: “We’re hoping he gets a five-year sentence, then we can take a serious look at the team getting out of the bottom three before pushing on to a top four finish in future seasons. Johnson would be an important factor in that.”

The practice of allowing jailed footballers who’ve to play for the prison teams came about in 1990 when Tony Adams, serving 56 days for drunkenly riding endangered turtles in a zoo, helped HMP Chelmsford win the league title only playing four games.

But should take the crime of which the prisoner has committed be considered? Unlike jailed footballers Joey Barton, who ignored one-way street signs, or Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers; Johnson’s crimes are far more serious.

Dr Malcolm Lubesheath; thinks it should: “This isn’t a game. Johnson must do his time for his crime and he must do it like an ordinary prisoner, not a version of himself from the outside world. The likes of him or any other footballer should not be treated any differently.”

Dr Lubesheath also referenced the 2014 undercover report at HMP Manchester which found the prison treated their football team with unfavourable fairness, including having other inmates forced to massage players, unlimited use of social media and frequent trips to Hollywood Bowl after match wins. They also allowed the team to train at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex to prepare for a cup final tie against HMP Leeds.

Minister for prisons, Sedgeway Arsebleach MP, has ordered a review of the prison sport system and will take his findings to a parliamentary meeting next Wednesday.

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