Devil Worshipping Mix Up At Manchester’s Christmas Lights Switch On

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    Manchester’s Christmas lights switch on isn’t the kind of place you’d expect to hear explicit, satanic rock music, but last night what echoed around Albert Square almost wiped the smile from the giant Santa-Zippy hybrid sat high above the crowd.

“We can confirm that an administration error by a junior member of staff led to the horrendous mix up witnessed last night,” said Culture and Leisure Department spokesman Algernon Pocketwank. “As well as Lemar and Scouting for Girls, we thought we’d showcase authentic German carol singing to tie in with the markets. We thought we’d booked Angels of Schlimpen; that wasn’t the case.”

Shakespeare once wrote: what’s in a name? Last night Manchester found the answer. EingelSchlimpen or Angels of Schlimpen are the teenage choir from the sleepy town of Schlimpen, north of Hamburg. EingelSchlampen translated as Angels of Sluts are a devil worshipping, hard-rock group hailing from Stuttgart.

Witnesses described the moment the rock band began to play after receiving an enthusiastic response from the singer Lemar.

“Lemar said he’d been waiting to hear them all night,” said parent Jo Trough. “He said they made such sweet music. Then out walked four men dressed in leather daubed with pentangles, the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls.”

As if their appearance wasn’t enough to shock, their opening song was. Give Me Your Soul, Bitch, their only European chart hit began with the line: Satan comes to snatch away your kids / you’ll all burn in the fires of hell.

“…the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls”

Jo said: “They started playing and the whole place went wild, everybody’s kids started crying and people started fainting.”

Wigan parent Barry Mush, said: “I’m not one to overreact but I was nearly sick through my eyes. There was a small group of the band’s fans who’d formed a mosh pit and started chucking cups of piss about.”

Perhaps frozen with shock or disbelief, staff and technicians were slow to react but did manage to kill the electric, muting the band after just one song. Organisers then sent out Scouting for Girls and confused looking Coronation Street stars to sing a rendition of Jingle Bells in the hope of calming the crowd.

“It was like sending out the Chuckle Brothers after the D-Day landings,” said Barry. “You couldn’t hear them sing over the screams of terrified kids. My daughter turned to me and said Christmas was ruined forever; she’s only six.”

The band’s manager, Florien Von Messerschmitt, was initially surprised they were invited but assumed Manchester’s tastes towards music featured at family events had relaxed. “We were also booked to tour a few of Manchester’s primary schools next week,” he said. “I’ve been told it’s cancelled.”

Despite the storm of protests from angry parents it seems the bad publicity hasn’t done Angels of Sluts any harm; this morning their album Skin Me Alive had risen up the iTunes chart to 61 and interest in a British tour was trending on Twitter.

 

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