Devil Worshipping Mix Up At Manchester’s Christmas Lights Switch On

20151108_093730

Manchester’s Christmas lights switch on isn’t the place you’d expect to hear explicit, satanic rock music, but last night what echoed around Albert Square almost wiped the smile from the giant Santa-Zippy hybrid sat high above the crowd.

“We can confirm that an administration error by a junior member of staff led to the horrendous mix up saw last night,” said Culture and Leisure Department spokesman Algernon Pocketwank. “As well as Lemar and Scouting for Girls, we thought we’d showcase authentic German carol singing to tie in with the markets. We thought we’d booked Angels of Schlimpen; that wasn’t the case.”

Shakespeare once wrote: what’s in a name? Last night Manchester found the answer. EingelSchlimpen or Angels of Schlimpen are the teenage choir from the sleepy town of Schlimpen, north of Hamburg. EingelSchlampen translated as Angels of Sluts are a devil worshipping, hard-rock group hailing from Stuttgart.

Witnesses described the moment the rock band played after receiving an enthusiastic response from the singer Lemar.

“Lemar said he’d been waiting to hear them all night,” said parent Jo Trough. “He said they made such sweet music. Then out walked four men dressed in leather daubed with pentangles, the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls.”

As if their appearance wasn’t enough to shock, their opening song was. Give Me Your Soul, Bitch, their only European chart hit began with the line: Satan comes to snatch away your kids / you’ll all burn in the fires of hell.

“…the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls”

Jo said: “They played and the whole place went wild, everybody’s kids cried and people fainted.”

Wigan parent Barry Mush, said: “I’m not one to overreact, but I was nearly sick through my eyes. There was a small group of the band’s fans who’d formed a mosh pit and chucked cups of piss.”

Frozen with shock or disbelief, staff and technicians were slow to react but managed to kill the electric, muting the band after just one song. Organisers then sent out Scouting for Girls and confused looking Coronation Street stars to sing a rendition of Jingle Bells hoping to calm the crowd.

“It was like sending out the Chuckle Brothers after the D-Day landings,” said Barry. “You couldn’t hear them sing over the screams of terrified kids. My daughter said Christmas was ruined forever; she’s only six.”

The band’s manager, Florien Von Messerschmitt, was surprised someone invited them but assumed Manchester’s tastes towards music featured at family events had relaxed. “I booked us to tour a few of Manchester’s primary schools next week,” he said. “They have told me it’s cancelled.”

Despite the storm of protests from angry parents the bad publicity hasn’t done Angels of Sluts any harm; this morning their album Skin Me Alive had risen the iTunes chart to 61 and interest in a British tour was trending on Twitter.

 

Advertisements