Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t officially begin until the sighting of their lorry but yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four week tour of Britain.

“After numerous calls to police on Saturday morning a man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and was crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and had to be tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were the two barely printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry was parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by frantically throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks them but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry were opened unexpectedly.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are thoroughly investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

The photo in this article is the property of @CocaCola_GB.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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Christmas Markets Corruption: Anglo-German Relations Strained After GMP Finger Merkel

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In a corruption scandal to equal FIFA, police swooped on five high ranking officials of Manchester’s Market Planning Committee (MPC). The raids followed leaked documents detailing how bribes helped keep the Christmas markets German for the last eight years.

Knowsley Queef QC explained: “Any country is invited to tender for the markets but year after year that honour is bestowed upon Germany. Suspicion has been growing regarding the MPC and with the help of leaked documents we now have a clear picture of how this occurred.”

But it isn’t just the MPC under the spotlight, police are keen to talk to Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, a key player in Germany’s tender for the markets. “We believe Frau Merkel plays a large part in the corruption case,” said the head of Manchester’s fraud squad, Hilary Goochsweat. “We will be hoping she will assist in answering some questions.”

Merkel flew into Manchester four times over the last eight years to plead the case for Germany’s hosting rights. Documents suggested Merkel held what she referred to as Auntie Angela’s Euro Party where MPC employees were lavishly entertained in the penthouse suite of the Beetham Tower.

“…firing bundles of fifty Euro notes at our arses…”

An anonymous MPC insider said: “We’d be very drunk in our underwear and chased by Merkel who was armed with a t-shirt cannon firing bundles of 50 Euro notes at our arses whilst she screamed: ‘Give us the markets’.”

Were there any repercussions if votes looked to be edging toward another country?

“My co-worker Hank Fingersniff lobbied for Kazakhstan and he was getting a lot of votes,” our insider told us. “Days later he was found hanged from his own testicles on the top level of Shudehill car cark.” In 2013 Police declared accidental death blaming the growing rise of outdoor sex games; our insider believes otherwise.

So just how far does Merkel’s reach stretch? The leaked documents tell that she paid for redesigning of the town hall Father Christmas in exchange for votes. She also financed the disastrous Manchester based detective show Kochslammer about an alcoholic, right wing German policeman and his Mancunian, cross dressing Jewish partner. Merkel was, however, unsuccessful in attempting to get the motorway speed limit eradicated.

The question now is the future of the markets? Goochsweat had this to say: “After all that has come to light over the last week I find it very difficult to believe Manchester’s markets will ever be German again.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Christmas Markets 2015 Review: Sex, Cups And Nandos Leave Visitors Unamused

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Earlier this week Manchester City Council released figures stating 72% of Germans preferred Manchester’s Christmas Markets to their own countries. It was great news for the city; stoking the fires of interest and adding extra fever pitch. On Saturday at 10am the markets opened but by Sunday the overall mood was as grim as the weather.

So what went wrong? Why the backlash on social media?

Project manager for the markets, Winterford Shitemeister, said: “Each year we collect feedback about the markets. We then correlate that data and make changes where we feel public opinion was strongest.”

Changes for 2015 included swapping the plastic refundable £1 glasses and mugs for revolutionary biodegradable ones, giving you twenty minutes to finish your drink before they dissolved. Not a problem if you were supping lager but those not born with asbestos lined throats who were left desperately swigging red hot mulled wine before the mug came apart in their hands were unamused.

Winterford went on to say: “Other feedback we received was from young professionals in the city centre who said there wasn’t anywhere to enjoy the markets child free; so we made Brazennose Street adults only.”

“…the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter.”

Brazennose Street’s ‘Adults Only’ section left organisers red faced when one stall proprietor mistook the meaning and began selling prosthetic vaginas for lonely gentlemen.

“They told me my stall was in the adult’s only section,” said Madge Grizzle, owner of Madge’s Vag’s. “I just assumed they wanted me to sell my specialist eBay stock rather than my hand carved teddy bears.”

The main annoyance to visitors, though, appeared to be a small number of stalls allocated to well known retailers. Poundland set up shop facing Ted Baker on New Cathedral Street but found the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter. Aldi faced harsh criticism when one of their stores took up the whole right hand side of St Ann’s Square but when Nandos opened within the coveted Albert Square section, it was a step too far for some and rumours of bribery began to circulate.

“Something smells fishy,” said Bob Nipple, proprietor of hand carved chess sets and the stall owner next to Nandos. Despite the growing calls for an investigation into corruption, Bob took a different approach as to why he thought the restaurant had opened; fascism. “It dates back to World War Two. Nandos is Portuguese and they were fascists along with the Germans, weren’t they?”

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Devil Worshipping Mix Up At Manchester’s Christmas Lights Switch On

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    Manchester’s Christmas lights switch on isn’t the kind of place you’d expect to hear explicit, satanic rock music, but last night what echoed around Albert Square almost wiped the smile from the giant Santa-Zippy hybrid sat high above the crowd.

“We can confirm that an administration error by a junior member of staff led to the horrendous mix up witnessed last night,” said Culture and Leisure Department spokesman Algernon Pocketwank. “As well as Lemar and Scouting for Girls, we thought we’d showcase authentic German carol singing to tie in with the markets. We thought we’d booked Angels of Schlimpen; that wasn’t the case.”

Shakespeare once wrote: what’s in a name? Last night Manchester found the answer. EingelSchlimpen or Angels of Schlimpen are the teenage choir from the sleepy town of Schlimpen, north of Hamburg. EingelSchlampen translated as Angels of Sluts are a devil worshipping, hard-rock group hailing from Stuttgart.

Witnesses described the moment the rock band began to play after receiving an enthusiastic response from the singer Lemar.

“Lemar said he’d been waiting to hear them all night,” said parent Jo Trough. “He said they made such sweet music. Then out walked four men dressed in leather daubed with pentangles, the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls.”

As if their appearance wasn’t enough to shock, their opening song was. Give Me Your Soul, Bitch, their only European chart hit began with the line: Satan comes to snatch away your kids / you’ll all burn in the fires of hell.

“…the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls”

Jo said: “They started playing and the whole place went wild, everybody’s kids started crying and people started fainting.”

Wigan parent Barry Mush, said: “I’m not one to overreact but I was nearly sick through my eyes. There was a small group of the band’s fans who’d formed a mosh pit and started chucking cups of piss about.”

Perhaps frozen with shock or disbelief, staff and technicians were slow to react but did manage to kill the electric, muting the band after just one song. Organisers then sent out Scouting for Girls and confused looking Coronation Street stars to sing a rendition of Jingle Bells in the hope of calming the crowd.

“It was like sending out the Chuckle Brothers after the D-Day landings,” said Barry. “You couldn’t hear them sing over the screams of terrified kids. My daughter turned to me and said Christmas was ruined forever; she’s only six.”

The band’s manager, Florien Von Messerschmitt, was initially surprised they were invited but assumed Manchester’s tastes towards music featured at family events had relaxed. “We were also booked to tour a few of Manchester’s primary schools next week,” he said. “I’ve been told it’s cancelled.”

Despite the storm of protests from angry parents it seems the bad publicity hasn’t done Angels of Sluts any harm; this morning their album Skin Me Alive had risen up the iTunes chart to 61 and interest in a British tour was trending on Twitter.