Christmas Markets 2015 Review: Sex, Cups And Nandos Leave Visitors Unamused

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Earlier this week Manchester City Council released figures stating 72% of Germans preferred Manchester’s Christmas Markets to their own countries. It was great news for the city; stoking the fires of interest and adding extra fever pitch. On Saturday at 10am the markets opened but by Sunday the overall mood was as grim as the weather.

So what went wrong? Why the backlash on social media?

Project manager for the markets, Winterford Shitemeister, said: “Each year we collect feedback about the markets. We then correlate that data and make changes where we feel public opinion was strongest.”

Changes for 2015 included swapping the plastic refundable £1 glasses and mugs for revolutionary biodegradable ones, giving you twenty minutes to finish your drink before they dissolved. Not a problem if you were supping lager but those not born with asbestos lined throats who were left desperately swigging red hot mulled wine before the mug came apart in their hands were unamused.

Winterford went on to say: “Other feedback we received was from young professionals in the city centre who said there wasn’t anywhere to enjoy the markets child free; so we made Brazennose Street adults only.”

“…the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter.”

Brazennose Street’s ‘Adults Only’ section left organisers red faced when one stall proprietor mistook the meaning and began selling prosthetic vaginas for lonely gentlemen.

“They told me my stall was in the adult’s only section,” said Madge Grizzle, owner of Madge’s Vag’s. “I just assumed they wanted me to sell my specialist eBay stock rather than my hand carved teddy bears.”

The main annoyance to visitors, though, appeared to be a small number of stalls allocated to well known retailers. Poundland set up shop facing Ted Baker on New Cathedral Street but found the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter. Aldi faced harsh criticism when one of their stores took up the whole right hand side of St Ann’s Square but when Nandos opened within the coveted Albert Square section, it was a step too far for some and rumours of bribery began to circulate.

“Something smells fishy,” said Bob Nipple, proprietor of hand carved chess sets and the stall owner next to Nandos. Despite the growing calls for an investigation into corruption, Bob took a different approach as to why he thought the restaurant had opened; fascism. “It dates back to World War Two. Nandos is Portuguese and they were fascists along with the Germans, weren’t they?”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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