Tag Archives: life

Manchester’s Very Alive Philip Prince Declared Dead In Confusion With Deceased Royal

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One of Manchester’s prolific businessmen Philip Prince found himself declared legally dead after staff at the city’s council offices are believed to have inputted the wrong data, alerting both hospitals and GM Police. The mix up came after the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip on Friday morning.

Prince’s wife of twenty years was woken in the early hours of Saturday morning at their eight-bedroom mansion in the leafy suburb of Suckle, where specially trained bereavement officers broke the news and presented a framed death certificate.   

“She was surprised,” said Mr Prince’s solicitor Shat O’Queef. “Especially as he was standing next to her at the time. They said he’d died of natural causes at ninety-nine. My client is fifty-three.”

Despite fierce protests from Prince’s family, GM Police refused to back down from their claim, going as far as having Mr Prince taken from his property by mortuary staff.

The magnate’s vast empire stretches across the city. As well as owning numerous properties, including three floors of the city’s new Nipple tower, Mr Prince is responsible for kick starting the city’s food boom.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket. He later opened Gag Ball the UK’s only S&M eatery, and Hookers the Michelin starred restaurant staffed entirely by sex workers.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket.

A spokesman for GM Police said: “We’re aware of the family’s claims and we’re working hard to find a beneficial solution to the late Mr Prince’s unfortunate situation.”

Asked whether there’d be a quick resolution, O’Queef replied: “We face an uphill battle to prove my client is living. Unfortunately, my client actually being present is not enough to convince.”

After Prince’s GP confirmed he was alive and heathy, council chiefs suggested Dr Marmaduke Knuckleshuffle, leading coroner for the city, perform an autopsy to confirm whether death was present. A request Prince’s solicitor declined.

Fist Gibbon, a crime analyst, claimed Mr Prince’s predicament unearths a bigger problem. “He’s been erased from all databases,” said Gibbon. “He’s a ‘ghost’ with impunity from any crime he commits. If he decided to go on a murder spree, or worse, refuse to socially distance, there’s nothing the police can do.”

“We sincerely hope the late Mr Prince doesn’t act on this,” the GMP spokesman warned. “Even though he’s dead, we’ll be watching him.”

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Manchester Bat Sanctuary Under Fire For #BatLivesMatter hashtag After Announcing Re-Opening

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Manchester Bat Sanctuary, the city’s second most visited attraction after the Pusher serial killer tour, has come under heavy criticism after announcing their re-opening on Twitter using a hashtag baring similar wording to a far more prominent one already trending.

The centre announced in February that dwindling visitor numbers and strong mistrust of the creatures due to the pandemic meant the sanctuary had to close. But at a time of growing solidarity and with months of much needed charity donations, the reservation said this week that they planned to reopen as soon as Government guidelines allowed.

Spank Fingermonkey, director of the sanctuary, said: “Just when we thought people had turned their backs on bats, we managed to save the sanctuary and can now re-open.”

But around the world, confusion reigned as people uniting in the fight against racism found themselves accidentally rallying for the nocturnal winged mammals instead. In one American town #BatLivesMatter was hung from the town hall on a twenty foot banner and attracted the surrounding chiropterologists.

Gwen Shitcake, leading US studier of bats, was present at the rally. “We are a peaceful group of bat loving people and we answered the call to arms after the hashtag trended on Twitter. When we got there, the police opened fire on with rubber bullets and tear gas.”

“Bats do not carry guns and are not more likely to kill each other.”

Photos of activists holding placards demanding Leave Bats Alone and Police Hate Bats led one US mayor to admit at a press conference: “In light of the current situation, I myself have viewed bats in a different light since the virus outbreak. But the police as a whole have not targeted bats and will not going into the future.”

Shitcake was also quick to clarify: “Bats do not carry guns and are not more likely to kill each other.”

In Manchester, though, the bat sanctuary has been busy planning for their re-opening now the world’s focus is on them.

Fingermonkey declared: “We’re asking people to obey social distancing, as of course, the bats will be doing.”

Gert Thundercock, head bat trainer at the sanctuary, told us: “We’ve been extensively training them to adapt their radar so when they fly, they’re adhering to the two metre social distancing rule at all times.”

“We’ve also slowly altered their sleep patterns,” he explained. “So, they’ll be awake in the day and asleep at night. That way the bat’s we’ve trained to do tricks can perform at hourly live shows.”

What tricks, the trainer is keeping under wraps. “I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but let’s just say you’ve never seen a bat ride a unicycle until you’ve visited us.”

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Manchester City Centre Enforces Rectal Thermometry On Public To Combat Virus

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The Mancunian public, especially those in the city centre, were warned by council officials that from Tuesday, on the spot rectal thermometry will be enforced. Powers will give specialist virologists, helped by GM police, to stop any member of the public and insert a thermometer up their back passage.

“It’s the only scientific way of detecting the virus,” said Dr Granville Wankshaft, chief virologist at St Sharts hospital. “The body heats teeth to enable biting through food. This obscures oral thermometry readings. We need access to every anus in Manchester to halt the growing number of infected people.”

The drastic action comes after police found a woman in Wilkinsons displaying symptoms of the virus and closed the entire Arndale Centre for two weeks to isolate her. Public protests ensued after the woman, surviving only on Millies Cookies, became a tourist attraction.

Last week the Government rushed through the law that operates similar to the police’s current stop and search powers. What makes this different is they can choose anyone regardless of age, gender, or ethnicity.

“The virus doesn’t differentiate between victims,” said Wankshaft. “And neither must we. Every anus is a porthole to whether or not someone is infected.”

…a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

But critics of the new detection system have voiced their concerns. Jizzy Funbags, of the Manchester Residents Association said: “You cannot ask members of the public to drop their underwear, just so a doctor can stick a thermometer up their arse. Especially not first thing in the morning.”

GMP confirmed the council granted permission to carry tents around the city centre so they can privately conduct testing. The tents exact locations are secretive to stop the public avoiding them. But rumours spread they would be disguised.

Primark took to social media to assure everyone they weren’t a secret testing facility disguised as a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

Libby Shitehawk, director of transport for Manchester also assured people that free buses which operate in the city were not secret testing labs, either. “We’ve had several willing people board our buses trouser-less, or with their underwear round their ankles. In extreme cases thermometers already lodged up their bums.”

But the mood in Manchester is one of mistrust. Eyewitnesses claim virologists disguised as Spice dealers try to lure the homeless to be tested and small pubs and side street businesses have suffered as customers are now suspicious any doorway they enter could lead to a thermometer entering theirs.

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Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

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Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

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World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

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World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after they issued court summons to parents about copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls… not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoigne of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “It concerns them that they will dress many children like creations these authors own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoigne added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT. Eyewitnesses said the boy tried to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

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Noel Gallagher To Release Discovered 1994 Oasis Track For Manchester Charity

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One half of Manchester’s most famous brothers has agreed to release a lost Oasis track with all proceeds going to Manchester’s Canal Guardrail Charity (MCGC) who will use the proceeds to build guardrails on the towpaths of all the city’s canal sides.

The charity, headed by Skip Flipper, is hoping to put an end to the recent spate of accidents and possible murders across the city’s canal network. “It’s time for change,” said Mr Flipper. “We needed action and luckily for us Noel has agreed to help our plight by making canals safe again.”

Noel discovered the track on cassette after a lengthy spell in his attic trying to evict a family of pigeons who’d taken residence in the eaves of the singer’s London home.

Spokesperson for Mr Gallagher, Liz Balltickle, explained: “He’d separated everything the pigeons had shit on to be thrown, mostly songs Liam had written but amongst them he found old demo’s and decided to release the track for charity.”

“…[It’s] a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers…”

The song, entitled Sunshine Saturdays, written by Noel and recorded during the group’s three-week recording session at Felch Farm in Stockport, the home of legendary record producer Zeb Knuckle. During that time other Manchester bands such as Rim Lords, Slagtastic and Shelby Johnson & the Piss Pots recorded seminal albums, but none of them reached the dizzy heights of fame like Oasis.

Winston Vesuvius, editor of Manchester record magazine Fuck Digital said: “I saw Oasis perform the track when they played one of their first gigs in The Goblin’s Bollock pub just off Whitworth Street. The song was unique because both Liam and Noel swapped vocal duties after each line in an homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers. I’d never given up hope of hearing it again.”

But Ms Balltickle was quick to quash any rumours of an Oasis reunion. “No fucking chance; Noel’s too busy with his band. Over the years he has become concerned with public safety on Manchester canals and see’s the MCGC as a worthwhile cause. He’s been prolific about it on Twitter and Instagram, and at live shows he encourages fans not to use the canal towpaths to get home.”

Sunshine Saturdays is released on March 1st and if you would like to donate to the MCGC go to www.MCGC.co.uk/gotasparequidmate

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Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production, directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower, suggesting Jimmy Savile played a part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, trying to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

They heaped praise on both leads and for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mâché rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk, and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is what people are doing though. Prolific doctors of Psychology and criminology have offered lectures about serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have incorporated ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three-tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ eaten between bouts of water boarding.

But it also oppositely influences the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded when swimmers suspected each other of being ‘The Pusher’. Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canals of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal-based crime. Unfortunately, a female, over 60s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty-one-year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe a large group of geese accosted Mr Fisting and ate him. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb. A mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which is snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and trying to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread-based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre. Later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago, the hoodies of the canals, as they’re referred to, were responsible for overturning a barge after a family from London tried to feed geese budget bread instead of Warburton’s.

Eighteen-year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and followed me along the tow path. Soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

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Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t begin until you see their lorry. But yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four-week tour of Britain.

“A man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60, after many calls to police on Saturday morning,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and found crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and was tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were only the two printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks to them, but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry opened.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again, I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

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Supermarket Apologises After Child Sold During Black Friday Mayhem Mishap

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It’s the age old question, what would you do if a supermarket sold your child? But every parent’s worst nightmare came true for Simon and Linda Guzzle when an early morning Black Friday shopping spree resulted in their two-year-old child Harper being mistakenly sold to another customer.

DCI Claire Fishsnatch said: “At around 8.00am during the rush to get into the supermarket staff panicked. Somewhere in the melee a bar code was placed on an unobserved Harper. They then sold the child to another customer and soon after Harper’s parents raised the alarm.”

The supermarket was bracing itself for high volumes of shoppers after advertising 55 inch televisions for £200. The manufacturers, Czech-based company Slaag, had implemented a limit of TV’s on a first come first served basis. This caused a huge surge when the doors opened and resulted in shocking confusion.

So how much was the child sold? An alarming £10.99, due to a thirty percent reduction. A bargain if it was legal to buy children.

The employee in question, nineteen-year-old Duggary Farttaste, was left unsupervised with a bar code gun. He confused the infant with an animatronic doll despite Harper being a foot taller, the wrong sex and human.

“…we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Store manager Anchory Clungemoist, said: “Fortunately we could track down the customers who bought the child, but they had lost their receipt. They want a refund, but our store only accepts returned goods with a valid receipt.”

TV celebrity and champion of the consumer, Dom Littlewood from BBC’s Don’t Get Done, Get Dom admitted there was very little the Guzzle’s could do. “In these situations the law is with the store and their returns policy. I’ve spoken with the Guzzles and they assure me Harper was not defective so we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Simon Guzzle told us: “We’re just praying they return our child.” Asked whether the store should have had a queuing policy to prevent a crowd? “It would have helped greatly. Perhaps even a little staff training, like how to handle large crowds, and how children are definitely not sold in f**king supermarkets.”

DCI Fishsnatch appealed to the stores owners to let this mistake slide but at the time of print they were standing firm on their decision.

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