World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

logo

World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after court summons were issued to parents regarding copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, reportedly representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls…not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to hastily change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoinge of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “They are concerned that many children will be dressed and acting like creations these authors actually own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoinge added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films as well. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-Under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT by Stephen King. Eyewitnesses said the boy was attempting to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

 

Photo property of http://www.worldbookday.com

 

 

Advertisements

Noel Gallagher To Release Discovered 1994 Oasis Track For Manchester Charity

image

One half of Manchester’s most famous brothers has agreed to release a previously lost Oasis track with all proceeds going to Manchester’s Canal Guardrail Charity (MCGC) who will use the proceeds to build guardrails on the tow paths of all of the city’s canal sides.

The charity, headed by Skip Flipper, is hoping to put an end to the recent spate of accidents and possible murders across the city’s canal network. “It’s time for change,” said Mr Flipper. “We needed action and luckily for us Noel has agreed to help our plight by making canals safe again.”

Noel discovered the track on cassette after a lengthy spell in his attic attempting to evict a family of pigeons who’d taken residence in the eaves of the singer’s London home.

Spokesperson for Mr Gallagher, Liz Balltickle, explained: “He’d separated everything the pigeons had shit on to be thrown out, which was mostly songs Liam had written but amongst them he found some old demo’s and decided to release the track for charity.”

“…[It’s] a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers…”

The song, entitled Sunshine Saturdays, was written by Noel and recorded during the group’s three week recording session at Felch Farm in Stockport, the home of legendary record producer Zeb Knuckle. During that time other Manchester bands such as Rim Lords, Slagtastic and Shelby Johnson & the Piss Pots recorded seminal albums, however, none of them reached the dizzy heights of fame quite like Oasis.

Winston Vesuvius, editor of Manchester record magazine Fuck Digital said: “I originally saw Oasis perform the track when they played one of their first gigs in The Goblin’s Bollock pub just off Whitworth Street. The song was unique because both Liam and Noel swapped vocal duties after each line in a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers. I’d never given up hope of hearing it again.”

But Ms Balltickle was quick to quash any rumours of an Oasis reunion. “No fucking chance; Noel’s too busy with his band. Over the years he has become concerned with public safety on Manchester canals and see’s the MCGC as a worthwhile cause. He’s been prolific about the subject on Twitter and Instagram and at live shows he regularly encourages fans not to use the canal towpaths as a means to get home.”

Sunshine Saturdays is released on March 1st and if you would like to donate to the MCGC go to www.MCGC.co.uk/gotasparequidmate

Photo belongs to The Manchester Evening News

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

20151114_103222.jpg

Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production is directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower which suggested Jimmy Saville played a huge part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, attempting to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

Praise was heaped on both leads and also for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mache rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised some eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is exactly what people are doing, though. Prolific doctors of psychology and criminology have started offering lectures on the subject of serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have begun incorporating ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ which has to be eaten in between bouts of waterboarding.

But it also has an opposite effect on the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded because swimmers began to suspect each other of being ‘The Pusher’ and Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90’s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

Screenshot_2016-01-24-16-56-49

After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canal’s of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal based crime. Unfortunately a female, over 60’s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty one year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe Mr Fisting was accosted by a large group of geese and eventually eaten by them. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb, a mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and attempting to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre and later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago the hoodies of the canals, as they’ve been referred to, were responsible for over turning a barge being used by a family from London after they’d tried to feed the geese budget bread instead of pricier options like Warburton’s.

Eighteen year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and started to follow me along the tow path. Pretty soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

Image Copyright http://www.bbc.co.uk

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

2015-12-06 10.55.14

Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t officially begin until the sighting of their lorry but yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four week tour of Britain.

“After numerous calls to police on Saturday morning a man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and was crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and had to be tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were the two barely printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry was parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by frantically throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks them but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry were opened unexpectedly.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are thoroughly investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

The photo in this article is the property of @CocaCola_GB.

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Supermarket Apologises After Child Sold During Black Friday Mayhem Mishap

20151126_200205

It’s the age old question, what would you do if a supermarket sold your child? But every parent’s worst nightmare came true for Simon and Linda Guzzle when an early morning Black Friday shopping spree resulted in their two year-old child Harper being mistakenly sold to another customer.

DCI Claire Fishsnatch said: “At around 8.00am during the rush to get into the supermarket it appears that staff were overcome and panicked. Somewhere in the melee a barcode was placed on the unobserved Harper. The child was then sold to another customer and soon after Harper’s parents raised the alarm.”

The supermarket was bracing itself for high volumes of shoppers after advertising 55 inch televisions for £200. The manufacturers, Czech based company Slaag, had sent the chain a limited number of TV’s so a first come first served basis was implemented. This caused a huge surge when the doors were opened and resulted in shocking confusion.

So how much was the child sold for? An alarming £10.99, due to a thirty percent reduction. A bargain if it was legal to buy children.

The employee in question, nineteen year-old Duggary Farttaste, had been left unsupervised with a barcode gun and confused the infant with an animatronic doll despite Harper being a foot taller, the wrong sex and human.

“…we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Store manager Anchory Clungemoist, said: “Fortunately we were able to track down the customers who bought the child but they had lost their receipt. They want a refund, however, our store only accepts returned goods with a valid receipt.”

TV celebrity and champion of the consumer, Dom Littlewood from BBC’s Don’t Get Done, Get Dom admitted there was very little the Guzzle’s could do. “In these situations the law is with the store and their returns policy. I’ve spoken with the Guzzles and they assure me Harper was in no way defective so we can rule out the child being retuned because he was faulty.”

Simon Guzzle told us: “We’re just praying our child is returned.” Asked whether the store should have had a queuing policy to prevent a crowd? “It would have helped greatly. Perhaps even a little bit of staff training like how to handle large crowds and how children are definitely not sold in f**king supermarkets.”

DCI Fishsnatch appealed to the stores owners to let this mistake slide but at the time of print they were standing firm on their decision.

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Christmas Markets 2015 Review: Sex, Cups And Nandos Leave Visitors Unamused

20151114_095829

Earlier this week Manchester City Council released figures stating 72% of Germans preferred Manchester’s Christmas Markets to their own countries. It was great news for the city; stoking the fires of interest and adding extra fever pitch. On Saturday at 10am the markets opened but by Sunday the overall mood was as grim as the weather.

So what went wrong? Why the backlash on social media?

Project manager for the markets, Winterford Shitemeister, said: “Each year we collect feedback about the markets. We then correlate that data and make changes where we feel public opinion was strongest.”

Changes for 2015 included swapping the plastic refundable £1 glasses and mugs for revolutionary biodegradable ones, giving you twenty minutes to finish your drink before they dissolved. Not a problem if you were supping lager but those not born with asbestos lined throats who were left desperately swigging red hot mulled wine before the mug came apart in their hands were unamused.

Winterford went on to say: “Other feedback we received was from young professionals in the city centre who said there wasn’t anywhere to enjoy the markets child free; so we made Brazennose Street adults only.”

“…the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter.”

Brazennose Street’s ‘Adults Only’ section left organisers red faced when one stall proprietor mistook the meaning and began selling prosthetic vaginas for lonely gentlemen.

“They told me my stall was in the adult’s only section,” said Madge Grizzle, owner of Madge’s Vag’s. “I just assumed they wanted me to sell my specialist eBay stock rather than my hand carved teddy bears.”

The main annoyance to visitors, though, appeared to be a small number of stalls allocated to well known retailers. Poundland set up shop facing Ted Baker on New Cathedral Street but found the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter. Aldi faced harsh criticism when one of their stores took up the whole right hand side of St Ann’s Square but when Nandos opened within the coveted Albert Square section, it was a step too far for some and rumours of bribery began to circulate.

“Something smells fishy,” said Bob Nipple, proprietor of hand carved chess sets and the stall owner next to Nandos. Despite the growing calls for an investigation into corruption, Bob took a different approach as to why he thought the restaurant had opened; fascism. “It dates back to World War Two. Nandos is Portuguese and they were fascists along with the Germans, weren’t they?”

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com