Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t begin until you see their lorry. But yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four-week tour of Britain.

“A man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60, after many calls to police on Saturday morning,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and found crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and was tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were only the two printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks to them, but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry opened.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again, I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

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