G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. The attack is believed to be linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorized by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon,  Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are currently studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for nearly twenty years and is regularly sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

A half-finished balloon animal was found near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is reportedly his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene using the clown’s unicycle as a getaway vehicle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel constantly sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man, a really nice guy. He was beaten up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone would be able to see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, which is a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some reportedly famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the general public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“Obviously no self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and therefore do not need beating up.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was hospital nurse Batty McFlange who in 2009 was arrested in the Arndale centre attempting to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-Under-Lyne needed a knee replacement urgently but because of NHS waiting times he was forced to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing to do the operation for a slight monetary fee.

Mr Areola said: “When I gave him the money he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits in the hope of buying organs from them. GMP are acknowledging that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after a drug addict was found in Piccadilly Gardens having sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Just be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver then we ask you please call us.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

Disgraced Adam Johnson To Continue Playing Football Even If Convicted

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Ex- Premiership footballer Adam Johnson will arrive at Bradford Magistrates Court tomorrow morning to hear the Judge’s final comments on his case before the jury deliberate.

Over the weekend bookies slashed the odds on Johnson getting ‘sent down’ but after sparking a huge amount of interest from prisons which have teams in the English Prison Football League (EPFL); the question on everybody’s lips is: which prison will he be sent to?

Philomena Todger, governor of HMP Wakefield, is delighted by the fact Johnson may be housed within her walls.

“It’s great news,” she said. “We’re giddy with anticipation of a Premier League star playing for us. Hopefully he’ll arrive before this season ends but if not; we’ll wait until August before the new season.”

But geography is playing an important part of where Johnson will be sent. HMP’s Northumberland and Durham both believe they are in with a shout considering Johnson still played for Sunderland even whilst being investigated.

“…Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers…”

Clarke Piss-sparrow, manager of HMP Durham football club Durham Slashers, said: “We’re hoping he gets a five year sentence, then we can take a serious look at the team getting out of the bottom three before pushing on to a top four finish in future seasons. Johnson would be an important factor in that.”

The practice of allowing footballers who’ve been jailed to play for the prison teams came about in 1990 when Tony Adams, serving 56 days for drunkenly riding endangered turtles in a zoo, was instrumental in helping HMP Chelmsford win the league title after only playing four games.

But should the crime of which the prisoner has committed be taken into account? Unlike jailed footballers Joey Barton, who repeatedly ignored one way street signs or Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers; Johnson’s crimes are far more serious.

Dr Malcolm Lubesheath; thinks it should: “This isn’t a game. Johnson has to do his time for his crime and he must do it like an ordinary prisoner, not a version of himself from the outside world. The likes of him or any other footballer should not be treated any differently.”

Dr Lubesheath also referenced the 2014 undercover report at HMP Manchester where the prison was found to be treating their football team with unfavourable fairness including having other inmates forced to massage players, unlimited use of social media and frequent trips to Hollywood Bowl after match wins. The team were also allowed to train at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex in preparation for a cup final tie against HMP Leeds.

Minister for prisons, Sedgeway Arsebleach MP, has ordered a review of the prison sport system and will take his findings to a parliamentary meeting next Wednesday.

Photo used belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canal’s of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal based crime. Unfortunately a female, over 60’s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty one year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe Mr Fisting was accosted by a large group of geese and eventually eaten by them. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb, a mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and attempting to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre and later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago the hoodies of the canals, as they’ve been referred to, were responsible for over turning a barge being used by a family from London after they’d tried to feed the geese budget bread instead of pricier options like Warburton’s.

Eighteen year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and started to follow me along the tow path. Pretty soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

Image Copyright http://www.bbc.co.uk

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t officially begin until the sighting of their lorry but yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four week tour of Britain.

“After numerous calls to police on Saturday morning a man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and was crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and had to be tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were the two barely printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry was parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by frantically throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks them but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry were opened unexpectedly.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are thoroughly investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

The photo in this article is the property of @CocaCola_GB.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Police Refuse To Police Police Street

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It was once known as a quiet side street offering a short cut between Kings St and St. Ann St; however Greater Manchester Police (GMP) released a statement this week explaining that as a result of high levels of crime, Police St would no longer be patrolled.

GMP said in the last half of 2015 there had been a 35% increase in violent behaviour while anti-social behaviour soared up 70%. When pressed on the cause, GMP singled out Waterstones. DI John Sprinkle said: “People assume because it’s a book shop that customers are mild mannered but it just isn’t the case.” He pointed out the stores miss-management of caffeine from its Cafe W as the problem.

“They get into arguments,” he said. “It starts as a debate and then voices rise, before you know it they’ve stepped outside to settle differences. It’s the pub mentality and they think because they’re using the back entrance nobody sees them.”

Waterstones has two entrances/exits in the Deansgate store. The front is accessible on Deansgate; however the back entrance is situated on Police St and businesses that operate in and around the area are concerned. Eyewitness accounts of the goings on liken Police St to scenes of 1980’s football hooliganism with fighting, chanting, graffiti and even criminal damage of property.

“Bill Bryson’s new book signing was madness. Somebody slapped a police horse…”

So is this so called lit-violence tarnishing what residents would call the nicer half of the city? The CEO of Waterstones, Shilpa Calhoon, explained: “The figures have been blown out of proportion. The store has seen a tiny amount of unruly behaviour but to cease a police presence in the area, we see it as overreaction.”

Pressed on the matter of fight club style meet ups at the store or book rucks as they are referred to: “Absolutely not. Waterstones offers a unique experience of book buying coupled with the cafe lifestyle. Our customers are law abiding citizens they’re hardly the mafia.”

DI Sprinkle sees it differently: “I’ve been there on the frontline. Bill Bryson’s new book signing was madness. Somebody slapped a police horse with a hard back edition. Who does that?”

Online retailers are reaping the rewards of the stores unnecessary media coverage and public safety concerns. They boasted a growth in sales from Manchester areas as shoppers look to safer options.

DI Sprinkle added: “Who wants to risk a shanking over Jamie Oliver’s new cookbook when you can buy it online from the safety of your own home.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com