After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canal’s of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal based crime. Unfortunately a female, over 60’s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.
“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty one year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe Mr Fisting was accosted by a large group of geese and eventually eaten by them. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”
Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.
DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb, a mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and attempting to interact with them.
“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”
But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?
Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”
It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre and later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago the hoodies of the canals, as they’ve been referred to, were responsible for over turning a barge being used by a family from London after they’d tried to feed the geese budget bread instead of pricier options like Warburton’s.
Eighteen year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and started to follow me along the tow path. Pretty soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”
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