Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production is directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower which suggested Jimmy Saville played a huge part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, attempting to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

Praise was heaped on both leads and also for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mache rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised some eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is exactly what people are doing, though. Prolific doctors of psychology and criminology have started offering lectures on the subject of serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have begun incorporating ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ which has to be eaten in between bouts of waterboarding.

But it also has an opposite effect on the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded because swimmers began to suspect each other of being ‘The Pusher’ and Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90’s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

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Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canal’s of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal based crime. Unfortunately a female, over 60’s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty one year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe Mr Fisting was accosted by a large group of geese and eventually eaten by them. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb, a mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and attempting to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre and later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago the hoodies of the canals, as they’ve been referred to, were responsible for over turning a barge being used by a family from London after they’d tried to feed the geese budget bread instead of pricier options like Warburton’s.

Eighteen year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and started to follow me along the tow path. Pretty soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

Image Copyright http://www.bbc.co.uk

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com