Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

Photo: http://www.wingsoverscotland.com I DO NOT own it

 

 

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World Book Day Chaos After Authors Sue Parents At Manchester Primary School 

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World Book Day was a write-off in Manchester this morning after they issued court summons to parents about copyright infringements of costumes worn by their children. Lawyers, representing the cream of Children’s writing talent, descended on the school gates of Wilmslow primary school St Titswhistle, handing over prosecution paperwork to unsuspecting parents.

The school had been advertising on their website about the day’s activities, encouraging pupils to dress as their favourite book characters. Head teacher Miriam Trent-Felch said: “It’s disgusting that children cannot dress up as their literary heroes for one-day. All our parents will now face court appearances and hefty fines.”

One parent, Grant Slackring, told us: “As soon as children were being dropped off, the lawyers appeared. They approached anyone dressed as a certain character of an author they were representing. They were like a flock of seagulls… not the band.”

As news spread to other schools around the city, panicked parents, rushing with school uniforms to change their children, caused tailbacks and severe delays.

[she] penned the much-loved Children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry

“We have a duty to our clients,” said Snap Gascoigne of Manchester solicitors Beanflick & Sons. “It concerns them that they will dress many children like creations these authors own.”

One such author is Dolly Wankcrank, who penned the much-loved children’s classic Cold Turkey about drug addicted poultry. “Every year I see these kids dressed up as Cold Turkey or Smack Hen and I don’t see a penny from it. I, along with other authors, have had enough.”

Gascoigne added: “Permission to use the character’s likeness had not been sought by either the school or the parents. If every child went around dressed as characters not just from books, but films. Where would we be then?”

In other World Book Day madness; police were forced to taser a ten-year-old boy in Ashton-under-Lyne who’d dressed as Pennywise the clown from the horror novel IT. Eyewitnesses said the boy tried to lure fellow children into a sewer with a promise of balloons and then kill them.

 

Photo property of http://www.worldbookday.com I DO NOT own it