Tag Archives: Comedy

Manchester’s Very Alive Philip Prince Declared Dead In Confusion With Deceased Royal

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Photo Credit: Katan Ural @ unsplash.com

One of Manchester’s prolific businessmen Philip Prince found himself declared legally dead after staff at the city’s council offices are believed to have inputted the wrong data, alerting both hospitals and GM Police. The mix up came after the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip on Friday morning.

Prince’s wife of twenty years was woken in the early hours of Saturday morning at their eight-bedroom mansion in the leafy suburb of Suckle, where specially trained bereavement officers broke the news and presented a framed death certificate.   

“She was surprised,” said Mr Prince’s solicitor Shat O’Queef. “Especially as he was standing next to her at the time. They said he’d died of natural causes at ninety-nine. My client is fifty-three.”

Despite fierce protests from Prince’s family, GM Police refused to back down from their claim, going as far as having Mr Prince taken from his property by mortuary staff.

The magnate’s vast empire stretches across the city. As well as owning numerous properties, including three floors of the city’s new Nipple tower, Mr Prince is responsible for kick starting the city’s food boom.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket. He later opened Gag Ball the UK’s only S&M eatery, and Hookers the Michelin starred restaurant staffed entirely by sex workers.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket.

A spokesman for GM Police said: “We’re aware of the family’s claims and we’re working hard to find a beneficial solution to the late Mr Prince’s unfortunate situation.”

Asked whether there’d be a quick resolution, O’Queef replied: “We face an uphill battle to prove my client is living. Unfortunately, my client actually being present is not enough to convince.”

After Prince’s GP confirmed he was alive and heathy, council chiefs suggested Dr Marmaduke Knuckleshuffle, leading coroner for the city, perform an autopsy to confirm whether death was present. A request Prince’s solicitor declined.

Fist Gibbon, a crime analyst, claimed Mr Prince’s predicament unearths a bigger problem. “He’s been erased from all databases,” said Gibbon. “He’s a ‘ghost’ with impunity from any crime he commits. If he decided to go on a murder spree, or worse, refuse to socially distance, there’s nothing the police can do.”

“We sincerely hope the late Mr Prince doesn’t act on this,” the GMP spokesman warned. “Even though he’s dead, we’ll be watching him.”

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Manchester Bat Sanctuary Under Fire For #BatLivesMatter hashtag After Announcing Re-Opening

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Photo by Jochemy @ Pixabay

Manchester Bat Sanctuary, the city’s second most visited attraction after the Pusher serial killer tour, has come under heavy criticism after announcing their re-opening on Twitter using a hashtag baring similar wording to a far more prominent one already trending.

The centre announced in February that dwindling visitor numbers and strong mistrust of the creatures due to the pandemic meant the sanctuary had to close. But at a time of growing solidarity and with months of much needed charity donations, the reservation said this week that they planned to reopen as soon as Government guidelines allowed.

Spank Fingermonkey, director of the sanctuary, said: “Just when we thought people had turned their backs on bats, we managed to save the sanctuary and can now re-open.”

But around the world, confusion reigned as people uniting in the fight against racism found themselves accidentally rallying for the nocturnal winged mammals instead. In one American town #BatLivesMatter was hung from the town hall on a twenty foot banner and attracted the surrounding chiropterologists.

Gwen Shitcake, leading US studier of bats, was present at the rally. “We are a peaceful group of bat loving people and we answered the call to arms after the hashtag trended on Twitter. When we got there, the police opened fire on with rubber bullets and tear gas.”

“Bats do not carry guns and are not more likely to kill each other.”

Photos of activists holding placards demanding Leave Bats Alone and Police Hate Bats led one US mayor to admit at a press conference: “In light of the current situation, I myself have viewed bats in a different light since the virus outbreak. But the police as a whole have not targeted bats and will not going into the future.”

Shitcake was also quick to clarify: “Bats do not carry guns and are not more likely to kill each other.”

In Manchester, though, the bat sanctuary has been busy planning for their re-opening now the world’s focus is on them.

Fingermonkey declared: “We’re asking people to obey social distancing, as of course, the bats will be doing.”

Gert Thundercock, head bat trainer at the sanctuary, told us: “We’ve been extensively training them to adapt their radar so when they fly, they’re adhering to the two metre social distancing rule at all times.”

“We’ve also slowly altered their sleep patterns,” he explained. “So, they’ll be awake in the day and asleep at night. That way the bat’s we’ve trained to do tricks can perform at hourly live shows.”

What tricks, the trainer is keeping under wraps. “I don’t want to spoil the surprise, but let’s just say you’ve never seen a bat ride a unicycle until you’ve visited us.”

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