Tag Archives: Hospital

Manchester’s Very Alive Philip Prince Declared Dead In Confusion With Deceased Royal

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Photo Credit: Katan Ural @ unsplash.com

One of Manchester’s prolific businessmen Philip Prince found himself declared legally dead after staff at the city’s council offices are believed to have inputted the wrong data, alerting both hospitals and GM Police. The mix up came after the death of the Duke of Edinburgh, Prince Philip on Friday morning.

Prince’s wife of twenty years was woken in the early hours of Saturday morning at their eight-bedroom mansion in the leafy suburb of Suckle, where specially trained bereavement officers broke the news and presented a framed death certificate.   

“She was surprised,” said Mr Prince’s solicitor Shat O’Queef. “Especially as he was standing next to her at the time. They said he’d died of natural causes at ninety-nine. My client is fifty-three.”

Despite fierce protests from Prince’s family, GM Police refused to back down from their claim, going as far as having Mr Prince taken from his property by mortuary staff.

The magnate’s vast empire stretches across the city. As well as owning numerous properties, including three floors of the city’s new Nipple tower, Mr Prince is responsible for kick starting the city’s food boom.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket. He later opened Gag Ball the UK’s only S&M eatery, and Hookers the Michelin starred restaurant staffed entirely by sex workers.

In 2012 he founded Slop the restaurant famous for combining all the diner’s courses into one bucket.

A spokesman for GM Police said: “We’re aware of the family’s claims and we’re working hard to find a beneficial solution to the late Mr Prince’s unfortunate situation.”

Asked whether there’d be a quick resolution, O’Queef replied: “We face an uphill battle to prove my client is living. Unfortunately, my client actually being present is not enough to convince.”

After Prince’s GP confirmed he was alive and heathy, council chiefs suggested Dr Marmaduke Knuckleshuffle, leading coroner for the city, perform an autopsy to confirm whether death was present. A request Prince’s solicitor declined.

Fist Gibbon, a crime analyst, claimed Mr Prince’s predicament unearths a bigger problem. “He’s been erased from all databases,” said Gibbon. “He’s a ‘ghost’ with impunity from any crime he commits. If he decided to go on a murder spree, or worse, refuse to socially distance, there’s nothing the police can do.”

“We sincerely hope the late Mr Prince doesn’t act on this,” the GMP spokesman warned. “Even though he’s dead, we’ll be watching him.”

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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Photo by Pexals @ Pixabay

One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst trying to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “I have told The intended recipient of the organ about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, an investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was the hospital nurse Batty McFlange arrested in 2009 in the Arndale centre trying to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back-street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients’ mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-under-Lyne needed an urgent knee replacement but NHS waiting times forced him to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing operate for money.

Mr Areola said: “When I paid he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in an abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was from a cow and attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits hoping to buy organs from them. GMP acknowledge that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after they found a drug addict sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver, then we ask you please call us.”

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