GMP Finds Lack Of Law Abiding Star Wars Fans Disturbing

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It’s the most hotly anticipated film of the last fifteen years. $60 million taken in pre sale tickets alone and this morning UK fans had the chance to finally see the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. Manchester’s cinema chains opened their doors to eager punters at 12am this morning and saw screenings filled onwards into the day.

However, GMP are already reporting trouble in the city centre concerning over enthusiastic fans. While etiquette appears to have been adhered to within cinemas during the film; fans behaviour on the streets afterwards as nothing short of criminal.

“Those lucky enough to secure an early screening are targeting fans who haven’t yet seen the film,” said DCI Nathaniel Scratchminge. “Anyone who looks like a fan is approached for a couple of pounds otherwise spoilers are revealed. Even people with no interest in Star Wars are trying their luck; one woman on Deansgate was forced to buy twenty copies of The Big Issue after the seller threatened to reveal what happened to Luke Skywalker.”

…physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s.

Shops in the Arndale are also being targeted by fans who are taking the opportunity to shoplift, unidentifiable in full costume. Celia Beanflick, manager of Next confirmed: “Darth Vader stole some t-shirts and three Tusken Raiders actually raided the lingerie section.” Clinton Cards and Topman also reported thefts of stock by two Admiral Ackbar’s, a Boba Fett and a Wookie.

Poundland manager, Harry Gashrash took a more upfront approach after physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s. “I showed the little bastard the dark side, all right,” he said.

Coffee shops throughout Manchester have reported clashes between over caffeinated supporters of the light or dark side with Central Manchester A&E revealing numerous people being treated for bruising caused by lightsabers and one man who found himself set upon by angry fans after accidentally picking the wrong day to wear an I Heart Star Trek t-shirt.

“We’re not saying walk around Manchester dressed as a character from Star Wars but please be aware if you’re Christmas shopping today then declaring how much you hate the franchise will probably get you filled in,” advised Scratchminge, “And for the love of god, don’t mention the prequels.”

Photo used belongs to http://www.cinemasukonline.co.uk

 

 

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