Monthly Archives: November 2015

Supermarket Apologises After Child Sold During Black Friday Mayhem Mishap

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It’s the age old question, what would you do if a supermarket sold your child? But every parent’s worst nightmare came true for Simon and Linda Guzzle when an early morning Black Friday shopping spree resulted in their two-year-old child Harper being mistakenly sold to another customer.

DCI Claire Fishsnatch said: “At around 8.00am during the rush to get into the supermarket staff panicked. Somewhere in the melee a bar code was placed on an unobserved Harper. They then sold the child to another customer and soon after Harper’s parents raised the alarm.”

The supermarket was bracing itself for high volumes of shoppers after advertising 55 inch televisions for £200. The manufacturers, Czech-based company Slaag, had implemented a limit of TV’s on a first come first served basis. This caused a huge surge when the doors opened and resulted in shocking confusion.

So how much was the child sold? An alarming £10.99, due to a thirty percent reduction. A bargain if it was legal to buy children.

The employee in question, nineteen-year-old Duggary Farttaste, was left unsupervised with a bar code gun. He confused the infant with an animatronic doll despite Harper being a foot taller, the wrong sex and human.

“…we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Store manager Anchory Clungemoist, said: “Fortunately we could track down the customers who bought the child, but they had lost their receipt. They want a refund, but our store only accepts returned goods with a valid receipt.”

TV celebrity and champion of the consumer, Dom Littlewood from BBC’s Don’t Get Done, Get Dom admitted there was very little the Guzzle’s could do. “In these situations the law is with the store and their returns policy. I’ve spoken with the Guzzles and they assure me Harper was not defective so we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Simon Guzzle told us: “We’re just praying they return our child.” Asked whether the store should have had a queuing policy to prevent a crowd? “It would have helped greatly. Perhaps even a little staff training, like how to handle large crowds, and how children are definitely not sold in f**king supermarkets.”

DCI Fishsnatch appealed to the stores owners to let this mistake slide but at the time of print they were standing firm on their decision.

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Christmas Markets Corruption: Anglo-German Relations Strained After GMP Finger Merkel

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In a corruption scandal to equal FIFA, police swooped on five high-ranking officials of Manchester’s Market Planning Committee (MPC). The raids followed leaked documents detailing how bribes helped keep the Christmas markets German for the last eight years.

Knowsley Queef QC explained: “Any country is invited to tender for the markets but they bestow it year after year upon Germany. Suspicion has been growing about the MPC and with the help of leaked documents we now have a clear picture of how this occurred.”

But it isn’t just the MPC under the spotlight, police are keen to talk to Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, a key player in Germany’s tender for the markets. “We believe Frau Merkel plays a large part in the corruption case,” said the head of Manchester’s fraud squad, Hilary Goochsweat. “We will hope she will help answer questions.”

Merkel flew into Manchester four times over the last eight years to plead the case for Germany’s hosting rights. Documents suggested Merkel held what she referred to as Auntie Angela’s Euro Party where MPC employees were entertained in the penthouse suite of the Beetham Tower.

“…firing bundles of fifty Euro notes at our arses…”

An anonymous MPC insider said: “We’d be very drunk in our underwear and chased by Merkel who was armed with a t-shirt cannon firing bundles of 50 Euro notes at our arses whilst she screamed: ‘Give us the markets’.”

Were there any repercussions if votes looked to be edging toward another country?

“My co-worker Hank Fingersniff lobbied for Kazakhstan and he was getting a lot of votes,” our insider told us. “Days later he was found hanged from his own testicles on the top level of Shudehill car cark.” In 2013 Police declared accidental death blaming the growing rise of outdoor sex games; our insider believes otherwise.

So just how far does Merkel’s reach stretch? The leaked documents tell that she paid for a redesigning of the town hall Father Christmas in exchange for votes. She also financed the disastrous Manchester based detective show Kochslammer about an alcoholic, right wing German policeman and his Mancunian, cross dressing Jewish partner. Merkel was also unsuccessful in attempting to get the motorway speed limit eradicated.

The question now is the future of the markets? Goochsweat had this to say: “After all that has come to light over the last week I find it very difficult to believe Manchester’s markets will ever be German again.”

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Christmas Markets 2015 Review: Sex, Cups And Nandos Leave Visitors Unamused

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Earlier this week Manchester City Council released figures stating 72% of Germans preferred Manchester’s Christmas Markets to their own countries. It was great news for the city; stoking the fires of interest and adding extra fever pitch. On Saturday at 10am the markets opened but by Sunday the overall mood was as grim as the weather.

So what went wrong? Why the backlash on social media?

Project manager for the markets, Winterford Shitemeister, said: “Each year we collect feedback about the markets. We then correlate that data and make changes where we feel public opinion was strongest.”

Changes for 2015 included swapping the plastic refundable £1 glasses and mugs for revolutionary biodegradable ones, giving you twenty minutes to finish your drink before they dissolved. Not a problem if you were supping lager, but those not born with asbestos lined throats who were left desperately swigging red hot mulled wine before the mug came apart in their hands were unamused.

Winterford said: “Other feedback we received was from young professionals in the city centre who said there wasn’t anywhere to enjoy the markets child free; so we made Brazennose Street adults only.”

“…the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter.”

Brazennose Street’s ‘Adults Only’ section left organisers red faced when one stall proprietor mistook the meaning and sold prosthetic vaginas for lonely gentlemen.

“They told me my stall was in the adult’s only section,” said Madge Grizzle, owner of Madge’s Vag’s. “I assumed they wanted me to sell my specialist eBay stock rather than my hand carved teddy bears.”

The main annoyance to visitors, though, appeared to be a few stalls allocated to well known retailers. Poundland set up shop facing Ted Baker on New Cathedral Street but found the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland trended on Twitter.

Aldi faced harsh criticism when one of their stores took up the whole right-hand side of St Ann’s Square but when Nandos opened within the coveted Albert Square section, it was a step too far for some and rumours of bribery circulated.

“Something smells fishy,” said Bob Nipple, proprietor of hand carved chess sets and the stall owner next to Nandos. Despite the growing calls for an investigation into corruption, Bob took a different approach to why he thought the restaurant had opened; fascism. “It dates back to World War Two. Nandos is Portuguese, and they were fascists along with the Germans, weren’t they?”

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Devil Worshipping Mix Up At Manchester’s Christmas Lights Switch On

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Manchester’s Christmas lights switch on isn’t the place you’d expect to hear explicit, satanic rock music, but last night what echoed around Albert Square almost wiped the smile from the giant Santa-Zippy hybrid sat high above the crowd.

“We can confirm that an administration error by a junior member of staff led to the horrendous mix up saw last night,” said Culture and Leisure Department spokesman Algernon Pocketwank. “As well as Lemar and Scouting for Girls, we thought we’d showcase authentic German carol singing to tie in with the markets. We thought we’d booked Angels of Schlimpen; that wasn’t the case.”

Shakespeare once wrote: what’s in a name? Last night Manchester found the answer. EingelSchlimpen or Angels of Schlimpen are the teenage choir from the sleepy town of Schlimpen, north of Hamburg. EingelSchlampen translated as Angels of Sluts are a devil worshipping, hard-rock group hailing from Stuttgart.

Witnesses described the moment the rock band played after receiving an enthusiastic response from the singer Lemar.

“Lemar said he’d been waiting to hear them all night,” said parent Jo Trough. “He said they made such sweet music. Then out walked four men dressed in leather daubed with pentangles, the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls.”

As if their appearance wasn’t enough to shock, their opening song was. Give Me Your Soul, Bitch, their only European chart hit began with the line: Satan comes to snatch away your kids / you’ll all burn in the fires of hell.

“…the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls”

Jo said: “They played and the whole place went wild, everybody’s kids cried and people fainted.”

Wigan parent Barry Mush, said: “I’m not one to overreact, but I was nearly sick through my eyes. There was a small group of the band’s fans who’d formed a mosh pit and chucked cups of piss.”

Frozen with shock or disbelief, staff and technicians were slow to react but managed to kill the electric, muting the band after just one song. Organisers then sent out Scouting for Girls and confused looking Coronation Street stars to sing a rendition of Jingle Bells hoping to calm the crowd.

“It was like sending out the Chuckle Brothers after the D-Day landings,” said Barry. “You couldn’t hear them sing over the screams of terrified kids. My daughter said Christmas was ruined forever; she’s only six.”

The band’s manager, Florien Von Messerschmitt, was surprised someone invited them but assumed Manchester’s tastes towards music featured at family events had relaxed. “I booked us to tour a few of Manchester’s primary schools next week,” he said. “They have told me it’s cancelled.”

Despite the storm of protests from angry parents the bad publicity hasn’t done Angels of Sluts any harm; this morning their album Skin Me Alive had risen the iTunes chart to 61 and interest in a British tour was trending on Twitter.

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