GMP Finds Lack Of Law Abiding Star Wars Fans Disturbing

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It’s the most hotly anticipated film of the last fifteen years. $60 million taken in pre sale tickets alone and this morning UK fans had the chance to finally see the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. Manchester’s cinema chains opened their doors to eager punters at 12am this morning and saw screenings filled onwards into the day.

However, GMP are already reporting trouble in the city centre concerning over enthusiastic fans. While etiquette appears to have been adhered to within cinemas during the film; fans behaviour on the streets afterwards as nothing short of criminal.

“Those lucky enough to secure an early screening are targeting fans who haven’t yet seen the film,” said DCI Nathaniel Scratchminge. “Anyone who looks like a fan is approached for a couple of pounds otherwise spoilers are revealed. Even people with no interest in Star Wars are trying their luck; one woman on Deansgate was forced to buy twenty copies of The Big Issue after the seller threatened to reveal what happened to Luke Skywalker.”

…physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s.

Shops in the Arndale are also being targeted by fans who are taking the opportunity to shoplift, unidentifiable in full costume. Celia Beanflick, manager of Next confirmed: “Darth Vader stole some t-shirts and three Tusken Raiders actually raided the lingerie section.” Clinton Cards and Topman also reported thefts of stock by two Admiral Ackbar’s, a Boba Fett and a Wookie.

Poundland manager, Harry Gashrash took a more upfront approach after physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s. “I showed the little bastard the dark side, all right,” he said.

Coffee shops throughout Manchester have reported clashes between over caffeinated supporters of the light or dark side with Central Manchester A&E revealing numerous people being treated for bruising caused by lightsabers and one man who found himself set upon by angry fans after accidentally picking the wrong day to wear an I Heart Star Trek t-shirt.

“We’re not saying walk around Manchester dressed as a character from Star Wars but please be aware if you’re Christmas shopping today then declaring how much you hate the franchise will probably get you filled in,” advised Scratchminge, “And for the love of god, don’t mention the prequels.”

Photo used belongs to http://www.cinemasukonline.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

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Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t officially begin until the sighting of their lorry but yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four week tour of Britain.

“After numerous calls to police on Saturday morning a man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and was crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and had to be tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were the two barely printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry was parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by frantically throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks them but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry were opened unexpectedly.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are thoroughly investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

The photo in this article is the property of @CocaCola_GB.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com