Soiled Toilet Roll and Nappies Used In Criminal Mask Production GMP Warn

Photo by Tai’s Capture

 A leading health expert has warned the public that 90% of masks are being manufactured from used toilet paper, dirty underwear, and nappies.

Dr Git Pipesuckler of told us: “Due to the demands of enforced wearing, illegal mask manufacturers are turning to second-hand materials to cut costs and drive up profits.”

The news came after Greater Manchester Police raided a warehouse in the city centre to find thousands of boxes of masks ready to ship to department stores and shops alongside barrels of damp, used toilet paper.

DCI Honey Dickbolt explained: “These criminals “shit-sift”, they cut into soil pipes and install filters which collect the dirty toilet roll. They put the paper through a drying out process and then turn it into masks. It’s the same with nappies.”

“The technology used to absorb urine can also filter the virus,” confirmed Dr Pipesuckler. “Black marketeers know this, so they steal used nappies from bins. Considerably less risk than shoplifting new nappies.”

“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,”

There were reports of gangs scouring popular fly tipping sites for materials and even offering money for bags of used goods in return for a cut in profits. However, legitimate mask manufacturers like Manchester’s own Face Sitters called the practice abhorrent and demanded tougher action on the criminals.

GMP said figures for “shit-sifting” were unavailable because of the originality of the crime, but thefts from bins were up 300% in the week leading up to enforced mask wearing.

“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,” said wildlife expert Gummy Fondler, who worked with GMP to help ensnare criminals. “But we found our fox cameras were recording thieves stealing dirty nappies instead.”

Greater Manchester Transport asked commuters to check their masks for any signs of danger, such as underwear labels still attached or skid marks from previous owners of the materials.

“Even though criminals hide any lingering bodily odours from the masks, long term inhalation of bum mud particles can be hazardous,” warned Liz Gloryhole, GMT spokeswoman. “We’ve seen city centre workers feeling nauseous, experience Spice-like effects, and one train passenger found himself in a waking sexual nightmare.”

“Even though it’s now law to wear a mask,” added DCI Dickbolt. “We’re asking the public to be vigilant about where they’re buying them from for their own safety.”   


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Manchester City Centre Enforces Rectal Thermometry On Public To Combat Virus

Photo: DarkoStojanovic @

The Mancunian public, especially those in the city centre, were warned by council officials that from Tuesday, on the spot rectal thermometry will be enforced. Powers will give specialist virologists, helped by GM police, to stop any member of the public and insert a thermometer up their back passage.

“It’s the only scientific way of detecting the virus,” said Dr Granville Wankshaft, chief virologist at St Sharts hospital. “The body heats teeth to enable biting through food. This obscures oral thermometry readings. We need access to every anus in Manchester to halt the growing number of infected people.”

The drastic action comes after police found a woman in Wilkinsons displaying symptoms of the virus and closed the entire Arndale Centre for two weeks to isolate her. Public protests ensued after the woman, surviving only on Millies Cookies, became a tourist attraction.

Last week the Government rushed through the law that operates similar to the police’s current stop and search powers. What makes this different is they can choose anyone regardless of age, gender, or ethnicity.

“The virus doesn’t differentiate between victims,” said Wankshaft. “And neither must we. Every anus is a porthole to whether or not someone is infected.”

…a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

But critics of the new detection system have voiced their concerns. Jizzy Funbags, of the Manchester Residents Association said: “You cannot ask members of the public to drop their underwear, just so a doctor can stick a thermometer up their arse. Especially not first thing in the morning.”

GMP confirmed the council granted permission to carry tents around the city centre so they can privately conduct testing. The tents exact locations are secretive to stop the public avoiding them. But rumours spread they would be disguised.

Primark took to social media to assure everyone they weren’t a secret testing facility disguised as a department store full of arse-hungry doctors waiting to pounce on unsuspecting customers.

Libby Shitehawk, director of transport for Manchester also assured people that free buses which operate in the city were not secret testing labs, either. “We’ve had several willing people board our buses trouser-less, or with their underwear round their ankles. In extreme cases thermometers already lodged up their bums.”

But the mood in Manchester is one of mistrust. Eyewitnesses claim virologists disguised as Spice dealers try to lure the homeless to be tested and small pubs and side street businesses have suffered as customers are now suspicious any doorway they enter could lead to a thermometer entering theirs.

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