Police Clash With Royal Wedding Crowd Following Big Screen Failure In Manchester

Chaotic scenes in Exchange Square today after the giant screen showing the Royal wedding failed. Over a hundred riot police were called into the square, alongside fifty mounted riot donkeys as fans pelted the screen with flaming bunting and bottles of Pims.

GMP’s DCI Colin Gashrash said: “While we except the screens failure was a problem, the way the Manchester public handled it was disgusting.”

Old ladies in Union Jack hats who’d started the day waving flags, turned into expletive-hurling hooligans, demanding extreme retribution for the city’s failure.

Popular anti-royalist songs The Queen voted Brexit and God Don’t Save Her were chanted, as well as You’re Nothing Without Freddie Mercury.

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

For some, it brought back memories of the infamous Piccadilly Gardens riot in 2008 when eight hundred-thousand Celtic fans arrived at the giant screen to find their team’s football match replaced by an hour-long Coronation Street special.

Gashrash also blamed the legal high Spice for the disturbance. “They packaged the spice in a way that suggested it was official Royal Wedding merchandise. Imagine a crowd of well-wishing, royalists suddenly turned into hate-filled zombies. It wasn’t a pretty picture.”

Eyewitness claims children were thrown at the screen have yet to be verified.

Next customers were forced to seek shelter in the Prosecco bar and the Arndale shopping centre closed its doors as fears the rioting would spread. Selfridges reported staff suffered the effects of the tear gas after police opened fire on the crowd.

“The police had to control them all somehow,” said Gloria Swampdonkey, an eyewitness to the violence. “Pearly kings and queens swore and exposed themselves. One Royal well-wisher was spiced out of his eyeballs slurring F**k the police!”

GMP deployed trained falcons to quell the rising violence. Britain’s first ornithological police unit proved successful in thwarting a group of Royal Voluntary Service women trying to roll a tram full of terrified passengers.

Barnaby Fannyleak, spokesperson for Buckingham Palace, said: “The Royal family condone any public unrest, and while only a small group, the Queen was shocked and appalled when informed. She trusts GMP will make significant arrests.”

The trouble also threw into doubt Meghan and Harry’s country-wide, open-top bus parade passing through the city next month.

“We’ll be re-scheduling the tour route,” said Fannyleak. “We’ll be monitoring Manchester’s behaviour.”

Photo: http://www.wingsoverscotland.com I DO NOT own it

 

 

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G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. They believe the attack is linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorised by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon, Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for twenty years and is sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

They found a half-finished balloon animal near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene on the clown’s unicycle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and the first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man. They beat him up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone could see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“No self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and so do not need beating.”

Photo property of http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Boy Playing Pokémon Go Is Eaten By Meerkats At Zoo

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A zoo close to Manchester was closed today after a gang of meerkats ate a boy. The ten-year-old was visiting the zoo with his family and is believed to have been playing the popular Pokémon Go game when the accident occurred.

DCI Barnaby Wankcoil of GMP said: “At ten o’clock this morning a nine-year-old boy was playing a game on his mobile phone which caused him to enter the meerkat enclosure where he was later eaten by the animals.”

Gary Helmet, who was visiting with his children, saw what happened: “I saw him climbing the fence and someone told him to stop. He shouted that he had to catch Pikachu, and he wondered into the middle of the enclosure. The meerkats acted like piranhas; they went wild and ate him.”

“The TV adverts are lies,” says Dr Lexford Bumpoke, meerkat expert and trapper. “They are natural hunters and have sublime predatory instincts. They think and act like sharks.”

…kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for four hours…

The accident follows from another zoo in Wyoming, USA where a seven-year-old girl reached through the bars of a peacock enclosure with her mobile phone to capture a Pokémon only to have her hand bitten off.

But what exactly is Pokémon Go?

“It’s an interactive game on your mobile phone,” explained Flo Spunkseed, of gaming magazine CtrlAltDelete. “The player uses real world locations to capture computer Pokémon’s training them to fight against others. A kind of computer slavery.”

This morning’s incident at the zoo has forced Manchester Council to warn players of the game about the dangers. “We understand its popularity,” said spokeswoman Francesca Wildcunt. “What we need to do is make players young and old aware that taking it too seriously is posing a danger to yourselves and others around you.”

They have blamed Pokémon Go all over the world for accidents and even relationship breakups, but it seems even adult players in Manchester are going too far. GMP arrested three city centre insurance workers who kidnapped and interrogated a homeless man for the locations of three Pokémon’s; and North Manchester Hospital suspended a surgeon after refusing to operate on a patient until she’d found a Pokémon on hospital grounds.

 The photo used is the property of: http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst trying to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “I have told The intended recipient of the organ about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, an investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was the hospital nurse Batty McFlange arrested in 2009 in the Arndale centre trying to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back-street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients’ mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-under-Lyne needed an urgent knee replacement but NHS waiting times forced him to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing operate for money.

Mr Areola said: “When I paid he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in an abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was from a cow and attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits hoping to buy organs from them. GMP acknowledge that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after they found a drug addict sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver, then we ask you please call us.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production, directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower, suggesting Jimmy Savile played a part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, trying to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

They heaped praise on both leads and for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mâché rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk, and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is what people are doing though. Prolific doctors of Psychology and criminology have offered lectures about serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have incorporated ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three-tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ eaten between bouts of water boarding.

But it also oppositely influences the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded when swimmers suspected each other of being ‘The Pusher’. Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canals of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal-based crime. Unfortunately, a female, over 60s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty-one-year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe a large group of geese accosted Mr Fisting and ate him. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb. A mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which is snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and trying to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread-based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre. Later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago, the hoodies of the canals, as they’re referred to, were responsible for overturning a barge after a family from London tried to feed geese budget bread instead of Warburton’s.

Eighteen-year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and followed me along the tow path. Soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

Image Copyright http://www.bbc.co.uk I DO NOT own it.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Supermarket Apologises After Child Sold During Black Friday Mayhem Mishap

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It’s the age old question, what would you do if a supermarket sold your child? But every parent’s worst nightmare came true for Simon and Linda Guzzle when an early morning Black Friday shopping spree resulted in their two-year-old child Harper being mistakenly sold to another customer.

DCI Claire Fishsnatch said: “At around 8.00am during the rush to get into the supermarket staff panicked. Somewhere in the melee a bar code was placed on an unobserved Harper. They then sold the child to another customer and soon after Harper’s parents raised the alarm.”

The supermarket was bracing itself for high volumes of shoppers after advertising 55 inch televisions for £200. The manufacturers, Czech-based company Slaag, had implemented a limit of TV’s on a first come first served basis. This caused a huge surge when the doors opened and resulted in shocking confusion.

So how much was the child sold? An alarming £10.99, due to a thirty percent reduction. A bargain if it was legal to buy children.

The employee in question, nineteen-year-old Duggary Farttaste, was left unsupervised with a bar code gun. He confused the infant with an animatronic doll despite Harper being a foot taller, the wrong sex and human.

“…we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Store manager Anchory Clungemoist, said: “Fortunately we could track down the customers who bought the child, but they had lost their receipt. They want a refund, but our store only accepts returned goods with a valid receipt.”

TV celebrity and champion of the consumer, Dom Littlewood from BBC’s Don’t Get Done, Get Dom admitted there was very little the Guzzle’s could do. “In these situations the law is with the store and their returns policy. I’ve spoken with the Guzzles and they assure me Harper was not defective so we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Simon Guzzle told us: “We’re just praying they return our child.” Asked whether the store should have had a queuing policy to prevent a crowd? “It would have helped greatly. Perhaps even a little staff training, like how to handle large crowds, and how children are definitely not sold in f**king supermarkets.”

DCI Fishsnatch appealed to the stores owners to let this mistake slide but at the time of print they were standing firm on their decision.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com