Nando’s To Close All Restaurants Immediately If Britain Leaves The E.U

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Panic has set in across Britain after the popular Portuguese restaurant chain announced it will close every restaurant with immediate effect Friday morning if Britain votes to leave the E.U. The chain which has over eight thousand restaurants across Britain, has seen an extreme rise in sales since they announced the news this morning.

Mancunians have been queuing for hours hoping to stockpile some of its most popular chicken dishes. Someone called police to the Arndale Centre after fights broke out when the chain suspended its bottomless soft drinks rule. They arrested others in the Oxford Road area after selling their reward cards before the 12-midnight deadline tonight. One woman even offered to swap her baby for a bottle of garlic sauce.

eBay reported their website had crashed after furniture looking suspiciously like Nando’s tables and chairs appeared on the site. It even forced them to relax their strict policy on sales of food when people sold peri-peri nuts and spicy wings at obscene prices.

So why the panic?

“{Nando’s} are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,”

Strasburg Cockbrusher, European spokesman for Nando’s explained: “Our beautiful chickens are imported from all over Europe because of discounted taxation from the E.U. If the British people vote out, then every individual chicken we import will have to have its own passport and a visa. It cannot be done.”

Pro Exit spokeswoman Sarah Turdtaste said: “Nando’s has grown too powerful. To be dictating their actions against Thursday’s vote shows just what a monopoly they hold on the chicken business. People need to understand there are other kinds of food available than butterfly chicken and perinaise.”

But does Nando’s have ulterior motives?

“They are the head caterers for the Bullingdon Club,” said Turdtaste, “And many people believe they own the secret recipe for KFC which allows then to keep the fast-food chain in check.”

After Labour party leader Jeremy Corbyn agreed with David Cameron that what Nando’s were proposing would be detrimental in Britain remaining in the E.U. Some people pointed out that Nando’s had a heavily discounted restaurant inside the Houses of Parliament.

Sienna Gonad-Shart, a Conservative back bencher and Brexit supporter, said: “Nando’s are pandering to the nation’s needs, it’s blackmail, and that most MP’s in the Stay camp have Nando’s black cards speaks volumes.”

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Jason Statham Begins Filming 1997 IRA Bomb Movie In Manchester

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The darkest day in Manchester’s recent history is getting the Hollywood treatment when action superstar Jason Statham filmed The Detonatorist in the city centre on Monday.

According to Hollywood industry bible Variety Statham will play Blade Gunnage, a mancunian ex-army tank driver turned maverick lone wolf fire fighter who, still distraught over a life he didn’t save, finds himself caught up in the games of an IRA terrorist plotting to blow up the city.

“He’s a firefighter first, a tank driver second and a hero third,” explained Fiona Slapentickle, the film’s producer. “When we first meet Gunnage he’s fighting fire with his bare hands.”

GM Fire & Rescue acknowledged Statham has been training with them in the city for the last month to prepare for his role. Having joined them on 999 calls and also visited schools to caution against playing with matches.

Gravity star and Oscar winner Sandra Bullock is due in the city in the coming weeks to film her role as a Marks & Spencer employee helping Gunnage to halt the terrorist. “Sandra’s character is a no-nonsense mother of five,” said Slapentickle. “She realises that her city is in danger and is having none of it. For the film she trained in hand to hand combat and how to use a till.”

EastEnders star Danny Dyer sent Twitter into a meltdown last month after tweeting he was having Irish dialect coaching fuelling rumours he’ll join Statham on screen as the IRA bomber targeting the city.

“When we first meet Gunnage he’s actually fighting fire with fire.”

Omar Felch, who shot to fame with the low budget LGBT horror The Mincer before helming Oscar nominated Tipetty-Tap about a tap dancer who loses both his feet in a kite flying accident, will direct The Detonatorist

“What happened in 1997 is Manchester’s 9/11,” said Felch. “Hopefully our movie will stay true to that day but with an ever so slight creative licence to give an immersive action film.”

But not everyone is happy to see the city the focus of Hollywood. Owners of the Beetham Tower rejected a request to cloak the entire tower in blue cloth to aid its CGI removal from the skyline. Metrolink also refused to stop building works near the bombing sight forcing production to sound stages at the nearby Mediacityuk for certain scenes.

Manchester Council said they had granted permission for a Parkour chase across the town hall roof and allowed a gun fight in Piccadilly Gardens. Heavy traffic disruption was also advised in the coming weeks on Deansgate because of closures so they could film a major chase scene between a tank and a helicopter.

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous…

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst trying to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “I have told The intended recipient of the organ about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, an investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was the hospital nurse Batty McFlange arrested in 2009 in the Arndale centre trying to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back-street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients’ mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-under-Lyne needed an urgent knee replacement but NHS waiting times forced him to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing operate for money.

Mr Areola said: “When I paid he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in an abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was from a cow and attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits hoping to buy organs from them. GMP acknowledge that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after they found a drug addict sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver, then we ask you please call us.”

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Disgraced Adam Johnson To Continue Playing Football Even If Convicted

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Ex- Premiership footballer Adam Johnson will arrive at Bradford Magistrate’s Court tomorrow morning to hear the Judge’s final comments on his case before the jury deliberate.

Over the weekend bookies slashed the odds-on Johnson getting ‘sent down’ but after sparking a huge amount of interest from prisons which have teams in the English Prison Football League (EPFL); the question on everybody’s lips is: which prison will he be sent to?

Philomena Todger, governor of HMP Wakefield, is delighted by the fact they may house Johnson within her walls.

“It’s great news,” she said. “We’re giddy with anticipation of a Premier League star playing for us. Hopefully, he’ll arrive before this season ends but if not; we’ll wait until August before the new season.”

But geography is playing an important part of where Johnson is sent. HMP’s Northumberland and Durham both believe they are in with a shout considering Johnson still played for Sunderland even whilst being investigated.

“…Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers…”

Clarke Piss-sparrow, manager of HMP Durham football club Durham Slashers, said: “We’re hoping he gets a five-year sentence, then we can take a serious look at the team getting out of the bottom three before pushing on to a top four finish in future seasons. Johnson would be an important factor in that.”

The practice of allowing jailed footballers who’ve to play for the prison teams came about in 1990 when Tony Adams, serving 56 days for drunkenly riding endangered turtles in a zoo, helped HMP Chelmsford win the league title only playing four games.

But should take the crime of which the prisoner has committed be considered? Unlike jailed footballers Joey Barton, who ignored one-way street signs, or Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers; Johnson’s crimes are far more serious.

Dr Malcolm Lubesheath; thinks it should: “This isn’t a game. Johnson must do his time for his crime and he must do it like an ordinary prisoner, not a version of himself from the outside world. The likes of him or any other footballer should not be treated any differently.”

Dr Lubesheath also referenced the 2014 undercover report at HMP Manchester which found the prison treated their football team with unfavourable fairness, including having other inmates forced to massage players, unlimited use of social media and frequent trips to Hollywood Bowl after match wins. They also allowed the team to train at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex to prepare for a cup final tie against HMP Leeds.

Minister for prisons, Sedgeway Arsebleach MP, has ordered a review of the prison sport system and will take his findings to a parliamentary meeting next Wednesday.

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Noel Gallagher To Release Discovered 1994 Oasis Track For Manchester Charity

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One half of Manchester’s most famous brothers has agreed to release a lost Oasis track with all proceeds going to Manchester’s Canal Guardrail Charity (MCGC) who will use the proceeds to build guardrails on the towpaths of all the city’s canal sides.

The charity, headed by Skip Flipper, is hoping to put an end to the recent spate of accidents and possible murders across the city’s canal network. “It’s time for change,” said Mr Flipper. “We needed action and luckily for us Noel has agreed to help our plight by making canals safe again.”

Noel discovered the track on cassette after a lengthy spell in his attic trying to evict a family of pigeons who’d taken residence in the eaves of the singer’s London home.

Spokesperson for Mr Gallagher, Liz Balltickle, explained: “He’d separated everything the pigeons had shit on to be thrown, mostly songs Liam had written but amongst them he found old demo’s and decided to release the track for charity.”

“…[It’s] a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers…”

The song, entitled Sunshine Saturdays, written by Noel and recorded during the group’s three-week recording session at Felch Farm in Stockport, the home of legendary record producer Zeb Knuckle. During that time other Manchester bands such as Rim Lords, Slagtastic and Shelby Johnson & the Piss Pots recorded seminal albums, but none of them reached the dizzy heights of fame like Oasis.

Winston Vesuvius, editor of Manchester record magazine Fuck Digital said: “I saw Oasis perform the track when they played one of their first gigs in The Goblin’s Bollock pub just off Whitworth Street. The song was unique because both Liam and Noel swapped vocal duties after each line in an homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers. I’d never given up hope of hearing it again.”

But Ms Balltickle was quick to quash any rumours of an Oasis reunion. “No fucking chance; Noel’s too busy with his band. Over the years he has become concerned with public safety on Manchester canals and see’s the MCGC as a worthwhile cause. He’s been prolific about it on Twitter and Instagram, and at live shows he encourages fans not to use the canal towpaths to get home.”

Sunshine Saturdays is released on March 1st and if you would like to donate to the MCGC go to www.MCGC.co.uk/gotasparequidmate

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Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production, directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower, suggesting Jimmy Savile played a part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, trying to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

They heaped praise on both leads and for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mâché rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk, and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is what people are doing though. Prolific doctors of Psychology and criminology have offered lectures about serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have incorporated ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three-tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ eaten between bouts of water boarding.

But it also oppositely influences the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded when swimmers suspected each other of being ‘The Pusher’. Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canals of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal-based crime. Unfortunately, a female, over 60s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty-one-year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe a large group of geese accosted Mr Fisting and ate him. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb. A mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which is snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and trying to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread-based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre. Later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago, the hoodies of the canals, as they’re referred to, were responsible for overturning a barge after a family from London tried to feed geese budget bread instead of Warburton’s.

Eighteen-year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and followed me along the tow path. Soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

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GMP Finds Lack Of Law Abiding Star Wars Fans Disturbing

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It’s the most hotly anticipated film of the last fifteen years. $60 million taken in presale tickets alone and this morning UK fans had the chance to finally see the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. Manchester’s cinema chains opened their doors to eager punters at 12am this morning and saw screenings filled onwards into the day.

However, GMP are reporting trouble in the city centre concerning over enthusiastic fans. While etiquette was adhered to within cinemas during the film; fans behaviour on the streets afterwards as nothing short of criminal.

“Those lucky enough to secure an early screening are targeting fans who haven’t yet seen the film,” said DCI Nathaniel Scratchminge. “They approach anyone who looks like a fan for money, otherwise spoilers are revealed. Even people with no interest in Star Wars are trying their luck; they forced one woman on Deansgate to buy twenty copies of The Big Issue after the seller threatened to reveal what happened to Luke Skywalker.”

…physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s.

Shops in the Arndale are also being targeted by fans who are shoplifting unidentifiable in full costume. Celia Beanflick, manager of Next confirmed: “Darth Vader stole t-shirts and three Tusken Raiders raided the lingerie section.” Clinton Cards and Topman also reported thefts of stock by two Admiral Ackbar’s, a Boba Fett and a Wookie.

Poundland manager, Harry Gashrash took a more upfront approach after restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s. “I showed the little bastard the dark side, all right,” he said.

Coffee shops throughout Manchester have reported clashes between over caffeinated supporters of the light or dark side with Central Manchester A&E revealing many people being treated for bruising caused by lightsabers and one man who found himself set upon by angry fans after accidentally picking the wrong day to wear an I Heart Star Trek t-shirt.

“We’re not saying walk around Manchester dressed as a character from Star Wars but please be aware if you’re Christmas shopping today then declaring how much you hate the franchise will probably get you filled in,” advised Scratchminge, “And for the love of god, don’t mention the prequels.”

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Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t begin until you see their lorry. But yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four-week tour of Britain.

“A man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60, after many calls to police on Saturday morning,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and found crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and was tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were only the two printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks to them, but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry opened.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again, I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

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