Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous…

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Police Lock Down Manchester Hospital After Vital Human Organ Stolen

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One of Manchester’s top hospitals St. Sharts in Middleton was on lock down this morning following the theft of a vital organ intended for a patient transplant.

“We believe the opportunistic thieves struck the transplant van at 4am this morning,” said DCI Tracey Flashgash. “The driver had parked his vehicle outside A&E department but had left it unlocked whilst attempting to locate a toilet.”

Dr Spruce Winnit, the director of nursing for St. Sharts, said: “The intended recipient of the organ has been told about the theft and his family are praying for a fatal accident to hopefully befall someone by Wednesday at the absolute latest.”

Flynn Muff, investigative journalist for Manchester magazine Clout, explained: “This is the third case of organ theft within the region and we are now getting a grim picture of how extensive the organ black market has become in the city.”

Flynn’s most famous story was hospital nurse Batty McFlange who in 2009 was arrested in the Arndale centre attempting to sell human eyes to Flynn in return for Argos vouchers. He also exposed the back street dentists using rotten teeth stolen from dental waste bins as replacements in unsuspecting patients mouths.

“…his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.”

“At first it was breast implants with water balloons,” said Mr Muff. “Then it was toothpaste being used in penis enlargements. These days how can you be sure where your new lung has come from?”

Last year Quinton Areola from Ashton-Under-Lyne needed a knee replacement urgently but because of NHS waiting times he was forced to find a back street ‘doctor’ willing to do the operation for a slight monetary fee.

Mr Areola said: “When I gave him the money he assured me it was safe. His surgery was in abandoned warehouse.”

When Mr Areola awoke he discovered to his horror that his new knee was in fact from a cow and it was attached backwards.

Black marketers are also searching for people in financial dire straits in the hope of buying organs from them. GMP are acknowledging that so called ‘cash for organs’ is becoming dangerous after a drug addict was found in Piccadilly Gardens having sold a kidney for two wraps of heroin and a Cornetto.

DCI Flashgash asked the public to be vigilant. “Just be aware of anyone buying large amounts of ice or if you hear of anyone in a pub trying to sell a liver then we ask you please call us.”

Photo belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

 

Disgraced Adam Johnson To Continue Playing Football Even If Convicted

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Ex- Premiership footballer Adam Johnson will arrive at Bradford Magistrates Court tomorrow morning to hear the Judge’s final comments on his case before the jury deliberate.

Over the weekend bookies slashed the odds on Johnson getting ‘sent down’ but after sparking a huge amount of interest from prisons which have teams in the English Prison Football League (EPFL); the question on everybody’s lips is: which prison will he be sent to?

Philomena Todger, governor of HMP Wakefield, is delighted by the fact Johnson may be housed within her walls.

“It’s great news,” she said. “We’re giddy with anticipation of a Premier League star playing for us. Hopefully he’ll arrive before this season ends but if not; we’ll wait until August before the new season.”

But geography is playing an important part of where Johnson will be sent. HMP’s Northumberland and Durham both believe they are in with a shout considering Johnson still played for Sunderland even whilst being investigated.

“…Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers…”

Clarke Piss-sparrow, manager of HMP Durham football club Durham Slashers, said: “We’re hoping he gets a five year sentence, then we can take a serious look at the team getting out of the bottom three before pushing on to a top four finish in future seasons. Johnson would be an important factor in that.”

The practice of allowing footballers who’ve been jailed to play for the prison teams came about in 1990 when Tony Adams, serving 56 days for drunkenly riding endangered turtles in a zoo, was instrumental in helping HMP Chelmsford win the league title after only playing four games.

But should the crime of which the prisoner has committed be taken into account? Unlike jailed footballers Joey Barton, who repeatedly ignored one way street signs or Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers; Johnson’s crimes are far more serious.

Dr Malcolm Lubesheath; thinks it should: “This isn’t a game. Johnson has to do his time for his crime and he must do it like an ordinary prisoner, not a version of himself from the outside world. The likes of him or any other footballer should not be treated any differently.”

Dr Lubesheath also referenced the 2014 undercover report at HMP Manchester where the prison was found to be treating their football team with unfavourable fairness including having other inmates forced to massage players, unlimited use of social media and frequent trips to Hollywood Bowl after match wins. The team were also allowed to train at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex in preparation for a cup final tie against HMP Leeds.

Minister for prisons, Sedgeway Arsebleach MP, has ordered a review of the prison sport system and will take his findings to a parliamentary meeting next Wednesday.

Photo used belongs to http://www.bbc.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Noel Gallagher To Release Discovered 1994 Oasis Track For Manchester Charity

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One half of Manchester’s most famous brothers has agreed to release a previously lost Oasis track with all proceeds going to Manchester’s Canal Guardrail Charity (MCGC) who will use the proceeds to build guardrails on the tow paths of all of the city’s canal sides.

The charity, headed by Skip Flipper, is hoping to put an end to the recent spate of accidents and possible murders across the city’s canal network. “It’s time for change,” said Mr Flipper. “We needed action and luckily for us Noel has agreed to help our plight by making canals safe again.”

Noel discovered the track on cassette after a lengthy spell in his attic attempting to evict a family of pigeons who’d taken residence in the eaves of the singer’s London home.

Spokesperson for Mr Gallagher, Liz Balltickle, explained: “He’d separated everything the pigeons had shit on to be thrown out, which was mostly songs Liam had written but amongst them he found some old demo’s and decided to release the track for charity.”

“…[It’s] a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers…”

The song, entitled Sunshine Saturdays, was written by Noel and recorded during the group’s three week recording session at Felch Farm in Stockport, the home of legendary record producer Zeb Knuckle. During that time other Manchester bands such as Rim Lords, Slagtastic and Shelby Johnson & the Piss Pots recorded seminal albums, however, none of them reached the dizzy heights of fame quite like Oasis.

Winston Vesuvius, editor of Manchester record magazine Fuck Digital said: “I originally saw Oasis perform the track when they played one of their first gigs in The Goblin’s Bollock pub just off Whitworth Street. The song was unique because both Liam and Noel swapped vocal duties after each line in a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers. I’d never given up hope of hearing it again.”

But Ms Balltickle was quick to quash any rumours of an Oasis reunion. “No fucking chance; Noel’s too busy with his band. Over the years he has become concerned with public safety on Manchester canals and see’s the MCGC as a worthwhile cause. He’s been prolific about the subject on Twitter and Instagram and at live shows he regularly encourages fans not to use the canal towpaths as a means to get home.”

Sunshine Saturdays is released on March 1st and if you would like to donate to the MCGC go to www.MCGC.co.uk/gotasparequidmate

Photo belongs to The Manchester Evening News

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production is directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower which suggested Jimmy Saville played a huge part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, attempting to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

Praise was heaped on both leads and also for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mache rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised some eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is exactly what people are doing, though. Prolific doctors of psychology and criminology have started offering lectures on the subject of serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have begun incorporating ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ which has to be eaten in between bouts of waterboarding.

But it also has an opposite effect on the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded because swimmers began to suspect each other of being ‘The Pusher’ and Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90’s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

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After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canal’s of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal based crime. Unfortunately a female, over 60’s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty one year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe Mr Fisting was accosted by a large group of geese and eventually eaten by them. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb, a mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and attempting to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre and later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago the hoodies of the canals, as they’ve been referred to, were responsible for over turning a barge being used by a family from London after they’d tried to feed the geese budget bread instead of pricier options like Warburton’s.

Eighteen year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and started to follow me along the tow path. Pretty soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

Image Copyright http://www.bbc.co.uk

saving-christmas-450

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com

GMP Finds Lack Of Law Abiding Star Wars Fans Disturbing

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It’s the most hotly anticipated film of the last fifteen years. $60 million taken in pre sale tickets alone and this morning UK fans had the chance to finally see the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. Manchester’s cinema chains opened their doors to eager punters at 12am this morning and saw screenings filled onwards into the day.

However, GMP are already reporting trouble in the city centre concerning over enthusiastic fans. While etiquette appears to have been adhered to within cinemas during the film; fans behaviour on the streets afterwards as nothing short of criminal.

“Those lucky enough to secure an early screening are targeting fans who haven’t yet seen the film,” said DCI Nathaniel Scratchminge. “Anyone who looks like a fan is approached for a couple of pounds otherwise spoilers are revealed. Even people with no interest in Star Wars are trying their luck; one woman on Deansgate was forced to buy twenty copies of The Big Issue after the seller threatened to reveal what happened to Luke Skywalker.”

…physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s.

Shops in the Arndale are also being targeted by fans who are taking the opportunity to shoplift, unidentifiable in full costume. Celia Beanflick, manager of Next confirmed: “Darth Vader stole some t-shirts and three Tusken Raiders actually raided the lingerie section.” Clinton Cards and Topman also reported thefts of stock by two Admiral Ackbar’s, a Boba Fett and a Wookie.

Poundland manager, Harry Gashrash took a more upfront approach after physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s. “I showed the little bastard the dark side, all right,” he said.

Coffee shops throughout Manchester have reported clashes between over caffeinated supporters of the light or dark side with Central Manchester A&E revealing numerous people being treated for bruising caused by lightsabers and one man who found himself set upon by angry fans after accidentally picking the wrong day to wear an I Heart Star Trek t-shirt.

“We’re not saying walk around Manchester dressed as a character from Star Wars but please be aware if you’re Christmas shopping today then declaring how much you hate the franchise will probably get you filled in,” advised Scratchminge, “And for the love of god, don’t mention the prequels.”

Photo used belongs to http://www.cinemasukonline.co.uk

 

 

Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

Also available on iBooksKobo, Barnes & Noble Nook and Smashwords.com