G.M. Police: Assaulted Clown Was Legitimate Children’s Entertainer

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Police are still investigating the assault of a popular children’s entertainer yesterday. They believe the attack is linked with the so-called ‘killer clown’ craze which has seen the city, and country, terrorised by people in clown costumes taking advantage of the public’s mistrust of anyone over the age of ten in face paint.

“Yesterday afternoon, Bertie Spermbiff, who also goes by the alter ego of Flange the clown, was assaulted,” said DS Susan Nipplepeek. “We are studying CCTV footage and appealing for any witnesses to step forward.”

Spermbiff, from Urmston, has been Flange for twenty years and is sighted at hospitals and charity fundraisers, bringing smiles to children’s faces.

They found a half-finished balloon animal near Flange and police believe he may have tried to bargain his way out of the assault.

His attacker is his early twenties and was wearing a red baseball cap. What’s unusual about the crime is that he fled the scene on the clown’s unicycle.

“A man in his early twenties around the Middleton area with known unicycle skills, shouldn’t be too hard to track down,” said Nipplepeek. “We’re confident of an arrest soon.”

Paramedic, and the first on scene, Julian Gobble, said: “Even unconscious, Flange kept the laughs coming. As we tried to resuscitate him his bow tie was spinning and a flower in his lapel sprayed me with water.”

“…trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.”

The charity organiser who’d booked Flange, Llewellyn Shitbeads, said: “He’s a lovely man. They beat him up three feet from his red and yellow, polka dot, Nissan Micra with Flange The Clown written on the doors, anyone could see he was legitimate.”

Last night police were called to Whitworth Street following reports a man dressed as a clown was hiding in a man hole, trying to lure drunk revellers into the sewers with the promise of balloons.

The council of clowns, a bi-monthly gathering of children’s entertainers past and present, some famous, said: “While we take the ‘killer clown’ craze seriously, we are asking the public not to retaliate against every clown they see.

“No self-respecting clown would walk the streets at night carrying a knife, or chase children through parks, but be aware some clowns will be on route to parties in the middle of the day and so do not need beating.”

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Chris Hewitt’s indie-published children’s book Saving Christmas is available to buy in paperback and Kindle on Amazon worldwide

www.amazon.co.uk/Saving-Christmas-Chris-Hewitt/dp/1539101479

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