A leading health expert has warned the public that 90% of masks are being manufactured from used toilet paper, dirty underwear, and nappies.

Dr Git Pipesuckler of told us: “Due to the demands of enforced wearing, illegal mask manufacturers are turning to second-hand materials to cut costs and drive up profits.”

The news came after Greater Manchester Police raided a warehouse in the city centre to find thousands of boxes of masks ready to ship to department stores and shops alongside barrels of damp, used toilet paper.

DCI Honey Dickbolt explained: “These criminals “shit-sift”, they cut into soil pipes and install filters which collect the dirty toilet roll. They put the paper through a drying out process and then turn it into masks. It’s the same with nappies.”

“The technology used to absorb urine can also filter the virus,” confirmed Dr Pipesuckler. “Black marketeers know this, so they steal used nappies from bins. Considerably less risk than shoplifting new nappies.”

“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,”

There were reports of gangs scouring popular fly tipping sites for materials and even offering money for bags of used goods in return for a cut in profits. However, legitimate mask manufacturers like Manchester’s own Face Sitters called the practice abhorrent and demanded tougher action on the criminals.

GMP said figures for “shit-sifting” were unavailable because of the originality of the crime, but thefts from bins were up 300% in the week leading up to enforced mask wearing.

“At first we thought urban foxes had developed a taste for human arse treacle,” said wildlife expert Gummy Fondler, who worked with GMP to help ensnare criminals. “But we found our fox cameras were recording thieves stealing dirty nappies instead.”

Greater Manchester Transport asked commuters to check their masks for any signs of danger, such as underwear labels still attached or skid marks from previous owners of the materials.

“Even though criminals hide any lingering bodily odours from the masks, long term inhalation of bum mud particles can be hazardous,” warned Liz Gloryhole, GMT spokeswoman. “We’ve seen city centre workers feeling nauseous, experience Spice-like effects, and one train passenger found himself in a waking sexual nightmare.”

“Even though it’s now law to wear a mask,” added DCI Dickbolt. “We’re asking the public to be vigilant about where they’re buying them from for their own safety.”   

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