Disgraced Adam Johnson To Continue Playing Football Even If Convicted

Photo: Emilio Garcia @ Unsplash

Ex- Premiership footballer Adam Johnson will arrive at Bradford Magistrate’s Court tomorrow morning to hear the Judge’s final comments on his case before the jury deliberate.

Over the weekend bookies slashed the odds-on Johnson getting ‘sent down’ but after sparking a huge amount of interest from prisons which have teams in the English Prison Football League (EPFL); the question on everybody’s lips is: which prison will he be sent to?

Philomena Todger, governor of HMP Wakefield, is delighted by the fact they may house Johnson within her walls.

“It’s great news,” she said. “We’re giddy with anticipation of a Premier League star playing for us. Hopefully, he’ll arrive before this season ends but if not; we’ll wait until August before the new season.”

But geography is playing an important part of where Johnson is sent. HMP’s Northumberland and Durham both believe they are in with a shout considering Johnson still played for Sunderland even whilst being investigated.

“…Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers…”

Clarke Piss-sparrow, manager of HMP Durham football club Durham Slashers, said: “We’re hoping he gets a five-year sentence, then we can take a serious look at the team getting out of the bottom three before pushing on to a top four finish in future seasons. Johnson would be an important factor in that.”

The practice of allowing jailed footballers who’ve to play for the prison teams came about in 1990 when Tony Adams, serving 56 days for drunkenly riding endangered turtles in a zoo, helped HMP Chelmsford win the league title only playing four games.

But should take the crime of which the prisoner has committed be considered? Unlike jailed footballers Joey Barton, who ignored one-way street signs, or Jermaine Pennant, who illegally hunted badgers; Johnson’s crimes are far more serious.

Dr Malcolm Lubesheath; thinks it should: “This isn’t a game. Johnson must do his time for his crime and he must do it like an ordinary prisoner, not a version of himself from the outside world. The likes of him or any other footballer should not be treated any differently.”

Dr Lubesheath also referenced the 2014 undercover report at HMP Manchester which found the prison treated their football team with unfavourable fairness, including having other inmates forced to massage players, unlimited use of social media and frequent trips to Hollywood Bowl after match wins. They also allowed the team to train at Manchester United’s Carrington training complex to prepare for a cup final tie against HMP Leeds.

Minister for prisons, Sedgeway Arsebleach MP, has ordered a review of the prison sport system and will take his findings to a parliamentary meeting next Wednesday.

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Noel Gallagher To Release Discovered 1994 Oasis Track For Manchester Charity

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Photo by The Manchester Evening News

One half of Manchester’s most famous brothers has agreed to release a lost Oasis track with all proceeds going to Manchester’s Canal Guardrail Charity (MCGC) who will use the proceeds to build guardrails on the towpaths of all the city’s canal sides.

The charity, headed by Skip Flipper, is hoping to put an end to the recent spate of accidents and possible murders across the city’s canal network. “It’s time for change,” said Mr Flipper. “We needed action and luckily for us Noel has agreed to help our plight by making canals safe again.”

Noel discovered the track on cassette after a lengthy spell in his attic trying to evict a family of pigeons who’d taken residence in the eaves of the singer’s London home.

Spokesperson for Mr Gallagher, Liz Balltickle, explained: “He’d separated everything the pigeons had shit on to be thrown, mostly songs Liam had written but amongst them he found old demo’s and decided to release the track for charity.”

“…[It’s] a sort of homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers…”

The song, entitled Sunshine Saturdays, written by Noel and recorded during the group’s three-week recording session at Felch Farm in Stockport, the home of legendary record producer Zeb Knuckle. During that time other Manchester bands such as Rim Lords, Slagtastic and Shelby Johnson & the Piss Pots recorded seminal albums, but none of them reached the dizzy heights of fame like Oasis.

Winston Vesuvius, editor of Manchester record magazine Fuck Digital said: “I saw Oasis perform the track when they played one of their first gigs in The Goblin’s Bollock pub just off Whitworth Street. The song was unique because both Liam and Noel swapped vocal duties after each line in an homage to the Scottish group The Proclaimers. I’d never given up hope of hearing it again.”

But Ms Balltickle was quick to quash any rumours of an Oasis reunion. “No fucking chance; Noel’s too busy with his band. Over the years he has become concerned with public safety on Manchester canals and see’s the MCGC as a worthwhile cause. He’s been prolific about it on Twitter and Instagram, and at live shows he encourages fans not to use the canal towpaths to get home.”

Sunshine Saturdays is released on March 1st and if you would like to donate to the MCGC go to www.MCGC.co.uk/gotasparequidmate

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Is The All Star Musical Of Serial Killer ‘The Pusher’ A Step Too Far?

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Photo by C. Hewitt

Nightswimming, the operatic, fictionalised account of the city’s supposed serial killer ‘The Pusher’ has been blamed for the rise in “morbid tourism” in and around Manchester.

The stage production, directed by Largo Spiv, who also helmed the controversial play Tower, suggesting Jimmy Savile played a part in designing the Beetham Tower.

Nightswimming stars Coronation Street’s Gail Platt, actress Helen Worth as the dogged copper DS Hopscotch, trying to hunt down ‘The Pusher’ played by Janette Krankie in a role theatre review magazine Stalls called: “…a fitting tribute to Roeg’s classic film Don’t Look Now…”

They heaped praise on both leads and for Phillip Schofield’s minor turn as Hopscotch’s grizzled, womanising boss Kurt Bombay. Musical number When I Find You is expected to reap song writing awards with such lines as: I’ll catch you / You’re going down / In Strangeways / They’ll be no one to drown.

Set designer Shirley Buffoon also received special mention for her outstanding papier mâché rendering of Deansgate Locks; although her use of child dancers dressed in blue leotards playing the water had raised eyebrows.

But is a musical about the serial killer a step too far?

“London has Jack the Ripper, we have ‘The Pusher’…”

“This obsession with a serial killer stalking Manchester needs to stop,” said GMP spokesperson Flannery Hindenburg. “The police are now receiving 20% more calls from armchair detectives. The canal is a safe place if you’re careful when you’re drunk, and you leave geese alone. We don’t need people trying to profit from this scaremongering.”

Profiting is what people are doing though. Prolific doctors of Psychology and criminology have offered lectures about serial killers. Yokel McStooge, who offers jet-ski tours of Manchester’s canals, said: “London have Jack the Ripper, we have The Pusher, it’s as simple as that, and I’ll expect Liverpool to jump on the bandwagon soon enough.”

Even restaurants in the city have incorporated ‘The Pusher’ into food. Spinningfields burger house The Minced Calf offer a three-tier burger called ‘the lung buster’ eaten between bouts of water boarding.

But it also oppositely influences the city after Salford open water swimming club disbanded when swimmers suspected each other of being ‘The Pusher’. Robbie Coltrane closed his Twitter account after Mancunians believing him to be ‘Fitz’ from 90s TV show Cracker bombarded him with tweets for help on catching the supposed killer.

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Human Remains Found On Deansgate Canal Towpath Caused By Geese

Photo by Pexels @ Pixabay

After Channel 4’s documentary earlier in the week suggesting a serial killer stalking the canals of Manchester, the last thing police needed over the weekend was more canal-based crime. Unfortunately, a female, over 60s speed walking group made a startling and grisly discovery on Deansgate canal.

“At around eight o’clock in the morning body parts were discovered which we believed to be that of twenty-one-year-old Nosh Fisting,” said DCI Abraham Winnit. “We believe a large group of geese accosted Mr Fisting and ate him. In twenty years of policing it’s the most hideous thing I’ve ever seen, and I volunteer at Old Trafford match days.”

Mr Fisting had attended a rave at a bread warehouse where DJ Bitchslapp was headlining. The super secretive Mancunian dance master is famed for hosting raves in unlikely places such as mortuary’s and functioning nuclear waste sites.

DCI Winnit added: “We believe drugs were available on site and its possible Mr Fisting had taken a substance called CoughBomb. A mix of crystallised Calpol and crushed Wotsits which is snorted. This could have played a part in him being on the canal, possibly mistaking a group of geese as fellow clubbers and trying to interact with them.

“…a mix of crystallised calpol and crushed Wotsits which are then snorted.”

But what could cause geese to attack and kill a human?

Chester Zoo’s Ridlington Moosesplodge, an authority on animal behaviour, believes he has the answer. “The young man had been raving his tits off in what was essentially a bread-based arena. The smell would have been on him and his clothes. The geese would have gone wild when they smelt him and in the dark light probably mistaken him for a loaf of bread before eating him.”

It’s not the first time the geese have created headaches in the city centre. Later this week council officials will meet to assess the damage the wildlife is having upon the reputation of the city. A few months ago, the hoodies of the canals, as they’re referred to, were responsible for overturning a barge after a family from London tried to feed geese budget bread instead of Warburton’s.

Eighteen-year-old Amelia Shatt, who lives in the city centre, told her story: “I was walking down the canal to Dukes ’92 and the geese became aggressive and followed me along the tow path. Soon there were twenty geese chasing me, trying to peck me and hissing. It was like a scene from that Alfred Hitchcock film Psycho.”

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GMP Finds Lack Of Law Abiding Star Wars Fans Disturbing

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Photo by http://www.cinemasukonline.co.uk

It’s the most hotly anticipated film of the last fifteen years. $60 million taken in presale tickets alone and this morning UK fans had the chance to finally see the new Star Wars film The Force Awakens. Manchester’s cinema chains opened their doors to eager punters at 12am this morning and saw screenings filled onwards into the day.

However, GMP are reporting trouble in the city centre concerning over enthusiastic fans. While etiquette was adhered to within cinemas during the film; fans behaviour on the streets afterwards as nothing short of criminal.

“Those lucky enough to secure an early screening are targeting fans who haven’t yet seen the film,” said DCI Nathaniel Scratchminge. “They approach anyone who looks like a fan for money, otherwise spoilers are revealed. Even people with no interest in Star Wars are trying their luck; they forced one woman on Deansgate to buy twenty copies of The Big Issue after the seller threatened to reveal what happened to Luke Skywalker.”

…physically restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s.

Shops in the Arndale are also being targeted by fans who are shoplifting unidentifiable in full costume. Celia Beanflick, manager of Next confirmed: “Darth Vader stole t-shirts and three Tusken Raiders raided the lingerie section.” Clinton Cards and Topman also reported thefts of stock by two Admiral Ackbar’s, a Boba Fett and a Wookie.

Poundland manager, Harry Gashrash took a more upfront approach after restraining a light fingered Jawa trying to pocket Toffee Crisp’s. “I showed the little bastard the dark side, all right,” he said.

Coffee shops throughout Manchester have reported clashes between over caffeinated supporters of the light or dark side with Central Manchester A&E revealing many people being treated for bruising caused by lightsabers and one man who found himself set upon by angry fans after accidentally picking the wrong day to wear an I Heart Star Trek t-shirt.

“We’re not saying walk around Manchester dressed as a character from Star Wars but please be aware if you’re Christmas shopping today then declaring how much you hate the franchise will probably get you filled in,” advised Scratchminge, “And for the love of god, don’t mention the prequels.”

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Coca-Cola’s Christmas Lorry Tour Brings Tasering, Obscene Graffiti And Immigrants To Trafford Centre

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Photo by @CocaCola_GB.

Holidays are coming is their slogan and Christmas doesn’t begin until you see their lorry. But yesterday the famous soft drinks company was in crisis after a disastrous attempt to bring festive cheer to the Trafford Centre during the lorry’s four-week tour of Britain.

“A man was arrested near junction 8 on the M60, after many calls to police on Saturday morning,” said PC Brianne Pipefiend. “The man had parked his vehicle and found crouched in a public state of defecation on the hard shoulder. He was aggressive, had no toilet paper and was tasered. The lorry was affiliated with a drinks company that goes with brandy or vodka.”

A short while later a relief driver was shuttled to the site surrounded by nervous looking representatives but not before one side of the lorry was daubed with graffiti; the culprits assumed to be their fierce rivals.

“It’s not our practice to comment on company problems, especially any feuds with rival brands,” said an exasperated spokesperson Gillian Rimmington-Job.

F**k off Coke and Pepsi is f**king great were only the two printable insults sprayed over the smiling face of Santa Claus; but that wasn’t the worst to come.

“[The man] was crouched in a public state of defecation…”

Once the lorry parked by the Great Hall, smiling reps tried to whip up the damp, cold crowd into a frenzy by throwing soggy t-shirts and canned drinks to them, but the real surprise came when the back doors of the lorry opened.

“I thought Santa was going to climb out,” said eyewitness Jody Basketweave who’d braved hurricane Desmond to watch. “All of a sudden about thirty immigrants burst out and ran into the crowd. There were men, women and children; even an old lady in a wheelchair. They were all carrying suitcases and sleeping bags; they’d obviously been there a while.”

Where and how the immigrants climbed aboard is a mystery but the brand was keen to remove themselves from the label of international smugglers.

“We condone any illegal migration into any county,” said Ms Rimmington-Job. “In no way did we know they were aboard and we are investigating before our lorry tour continues.” Asked whether it was the worst day of the tour so far? “Absolutely, and that includes Glasgow where we accidentally ran over a child.”

Police were called to the Trafford Centre but by then the stowaways were long gone and the mood had turned a sour as the weather.

“I’ve grown up with those Christmas adverts,” said Eccles man Lance Shitcake. “Now whenever I see one again, I’ll just think they ferry immigrants into Britain.”

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Supermarket Apologises After Child Sold During Black Friday Mayhem Mishap

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Photo by C. Hewitt

It’s the age old question, what would you do if a supermarket sold your child? But every parent’s worst nightmare came true for Simon and Linda Guzzle when an early morning Black Friday shopping spree resulted in their two-year-old child Harper being mistakenly sold to another customer.

DCI Claire Fishsnatch said: “At around 8.00am during the rush to get into the supermarket staff panicked. Somewhere in the melee a bar code was placed on an unobserved Harper. They then sold the child to another customer and soon after Harper’s parents raised the alarm.”

The supermarket was bracing itself for high volumes of shoppers after advertising 55 inch televisions for £200. The manufacturers, Czech-based company Slaag, had implemented a limit of TV’s on a first come first served basis. This caused a huge surge when the doors opened and resulted in shocking confusion.

So how much was the child sold? An alarming £10.99, due to a thirty percent reduction. A bargain if it was legal to buy children.

The employee in question, nineteen-year-old Duggary Farttaste, was left unsupervised with a bar code gun. He confused the infant with an animatronic doll despite Harper being a foot taller, the wrong sex and human.

“…we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Store manager Anchory Clungemoist, said: “Fortunately we could track down the customers who bought the child, but they had lost their receipt. They want a refund, but our store only accepts returned goods with a valid receipt.”

TV celebrity and champion of the consumer, Dom Littlewood from BBC’s Don’t Get Done, Get Dom admitted there was very little the Guzzle’s could do. “In these situations the law is with the store and their returns policy. I’ve spoken with the Guzzles and they assure me Harper was not defective so we can rule out the child being returned because he was faulty.”

Simon Guzzle told us: “We’re just praying they return our child.” Asked whether the store should have had a queuing policy to prevent a crowd? “It would have helped greatly. Perhaps even a little staff training, like how to handle large crowds, and how children are definitely not sold in f**king supermarkets.”

DCI Fishsnatch appealed to the stores owners to let this mistake slide but at the time of print they were standing firm on their decision.

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Christmas Markets Corruption: Anglo-German Relations Strained After GMP Finger Merkel

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Photo by C. Hewitt

In a corruption scandal to equal FIFA, police swooped on five high-ranking officials of Manchester’s Market Planning Committee (MPC). The raids followed leaked documents detailing how bribes helped keep the Christmas markets German for the last eight years.

Knowsley Queef QC explained: “Any country is invited to tender for the markets but they bestow it year after year upon Germany. Suspicion has been growing about the MPC and with the help of leaked documents we now have a clear picture of how this occurred.”

But it isn’t just the MPC under the spotlight, police are keen to talk to Germany’s Chancellor Angela Merkel, a key player in Germany’s tender for the markets. “We believe Frau Merkel plays a large part in the corruption case,” said the head of Manchester’s fraud squad, Hilary Goochsweat. “We will hope she will help answer questions.”

Merkel flew into Manchester four times over the last eight years to plead the case for Germany’s hosting rights. Documents suggested Merkel held what she referred to as Auntie Angela’s Euro Party where MPC employees were entertained in the penthouse suite of the Beetham Tower.

“…firing bundles of fifty Euro notes at our arses…”

An anonymous MPC insider said: “We’d be very drunk in our underwear and chased by Merkel who was armed with a t-shirt cannon firing bundles of 50 Euro notes at our arses whilst she screamed: ‘Give us the markets’.”

Were there any repercussions if votes looked to be edging toward another country?

“My co-worker Hank Fingersniff lobbied for Kazakhstan and he was getting a lot of votes,” our insider told us. “Days later he was found hanged from his own testicles on the top level of Shudehill car cark.” In 2013 Police declared accidental death blaming the growing rise of outdoor sex games; our insider believes otherwise.

So just how far does Merkel’s reach stretch? The leaked documents tell that she paid for a redesigning of the town hall Father Christmas in exchange for votes. She also financed the disastrous Manchester based detective show Kochslammer about an alcoholic, right wing German policeman and his Mancunian, cross dressing Jewish partner. Merkel was also unsuccessful in attempting to get the motorway speed limit eradicated.

The question now is the future of the markets? Goochsweat had this to say: “After all that has come to light over the last week I find it very difficult to believe Manchester’s markets will ever be German again.”

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Christmas Markets 2015 Review: Sex, Cups And Nandos Leave Visitors Unamused

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photo by C. Hewitt

Earlier this week Manchester City Council released figures stating 72% of Germans preferred Manchester’s Christmas Markets to their own countries. It was great news for the city; stoking the fires of interest and adding extra fever pitch. On Saturday at 10am the markets opened but by Sunday the overall mood was as grim as the weather.

So what went wrong? Why the backlash on social media?

Project manager for the markets, Winterford Shitemeister, said: “Each year we collect feedback about the markets. We then correlate that data and make changes where we feel public opinion was strongest.”

Changes for 2015 included swapping the plastic refundable £1 glasses and mugs for revolutionary biodegradable ones, giving you twenty minutes to finish your drink before they dissolved. Not a problem if you were supping lager, but those not born with asbestos lined throats who were left desperately swigging red hot mulled wine before the mug came apart in their hands were unamused.

Winterford said: “Other feedback we received was from young professionals in the city centre who said there wasn’t anywhere to enjoy the markets child free; so we made Brazennose Street adults only.”

“…the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland began to trend on Twitter.”

Brazennose Street’s ‘Adults Only’ section left organisers red faced when one stall proprietor mistook the meaning and sold prosthetic vaginas for lonely gentlemen.

“They told me my stall was in the adult’s only section,” said Madge Grizzle, owner of Madge’s Vag’s. “I assumed they wanted me to sell my specialist eBay stock rather than my hand carved teddy bears.”

The main annoyance to visitors, though, appeared to be a few stalls allocated to well known retailers. Poundland set up shop facing Ted Baker on New Cathedral Street but found the hashtag #fuckoffpoundland trended on Twitter.

Aldi faced harsh criticism when one of their stores took up the whole right-hand side of St Ann’s Square but when Nandos opened within the coveted Albert Square section, it was a step too far for some and rumours of bribery circulated.

“Something smells fishy,” said Bob Nipple, proprietor of hand carved chess sets and the stall owner next to Nandos. Despite the growing calls for an investigation into corruption, Bob took a different approach to why he thought the restaurant had opened; fascism. “It dates back to World War Two. Nandos is Portuguese, and they were fascists along with the Germans, weren’t they?”

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Devil Worshipping Mix Up At Manchester’s Christmas Lights Switch On

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Photo by C.hewitt

Manchester’s Christmas lights switch on isn’t the place you’d expect to hear explicit, satanic rock music, but last night what echoed around Albert Square almost wiped the smile from the giant Santa-Zippy hybrid sat high above the crowd.

“We can confirm that an administration error by a junior member of staff led to the horrendous mix up saw last night,” said Culture and Leisure Department spokesman Algernon Pocketwank. “As well as Lemar and Scouting for Girls, we thought we’d showcase authentic German carol singing to tie in with the markets. We thought we’d booked Angels of Schlimpen; that wasn’t the case.”

Shakespeare once wrote: what’s in a name? Last night Manchester found the answer. EingelSchlimpen or Angels of Schlimpen are the teenage choir from the sleepy town of Schlimpen, north of Hamburg. EingelSchlampen translated as Angels of Sluts are a devil worshipping, hard-rock group hailing from Stuttgart.

Witnesses described the moment the rock band played after receiving an enthusiastic response from the singer Lemar.

“Lemar said he’d been waiting to hear them all night,” said parent Jo Trough. “He said they made such sweet music. Then out walked four men dressed in leather daubed with pentangles, the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls.”

As if their appearance wasn’t enough to shock, their opening song was. Give Me Your Soul, Bitch, their only European chart hit began with the line: Satan comes to snatch away your kids / you’ll all burn in the fires of hell.

“…the lead singer was wearing a crown of kitten skulls”

Jo said: “They played and the whole place went wild, everybody’s kids cried and people fainted.”

Wigan parent Barry Mush, said: “I’m not one to overreact, but I was nearly sick through my eyes. There was a small group of the band’s fans who’d formed a mosh pit and chucked cups of piss.”

Frozen with shock or disbelief, staff and technicians were slow to react but managed to kill the electric, muting the band after just one song. Organisers then sent out Scouting for Girls and confused looking Coronation Street stars to sing a rendition of Jingle Bells hoping to calm the crowd.

“It was like sending out the Chuckle Brothers after the D-Day landings,” said Barry. “You couldn’t hear them sing over the screams of terrified kids. My daughter said Christmas was ruined forever; she’s only six.”

The band’s manager, Florien Von Messerschmitt, was surprised someone invited them but assumed Manchester’s tastes towards music featured at family events had relaxed. “I booked us to tour a few of Manchester’s primary schools next week,” he said. “They have told me it’s cancelled.”

Despite the storm of protests from angry parents the bad publicity hasn’t done Angels of Sluts any harm; this morning their album Skin Me Alive had risen the iTunes chart to 61 and interest in a British tour was trending on Twitter.

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